Sad

Maybe its cause im PMSing but i am just soo sad today. Its not only sadness, but frustration, fear, and lonliness...

What if this never happens again? Ive always wanted a big family (3 kids) and with all this bullshit I'm OK with 2. I just never thought this was going to be so hard the 2nd time around. I thought i d a few IVF cycles, get pregnant and move on with my life....But here i am one year later, 3 IVF cycles, a chemical pregnancy and a loss of triplets and 3 Clomid cycles under my belt...the only thing i have to show for what I've gone through is a broken heart.

I search high and low on the internet for some kind of inspirational stories but i may find one out of 100. I know my own story is inspiration but i need more at this moment. I'm trying so hard to keep myself afloat and be happy but today I'm tired and I'm sad...This is NOT FAIR and I'm OVER IT. "Everything happens for a reason", "Relax and it will happen", "but you have Jack.."....I want to tell everyone to SHUT THE FUCK UP....just give me a hug and say "this sucks and im sorry!"

I know ill be OK b/c 90% of the time, i am. But today im not OK im irritated at the world..

I asked Pete about doing IUI this month with the Follistim but he said "why since my sperm is fine..." Which is true. My "day one" will most likely be tomorrow. SO we'll get the ball rolling again soon. Ill def be doing Follistim - just need to make sure they will allow timed intercourse with it.

UG!

Negative at 12dpo. WTF!

I could write for days about how much this is starting to piss me off, but im sure you already know... I know this is only our 3rd month trying on our own but its never taken us this long to get pregnant. Im just glad it not a misscarriage, thats what i keep saying. When this happens again it needs to be PERFECT!

Going to move onto Follistim this cycle and hope for more then one egg.

11 dpo

Sorry for the lack of updates but there really isnt one. I really dont have many symptoms. Which i dont know what to think about since theres months were i have a gamete of them and im not pregnant. But ill list out the ones i have just for the fun of it. Bloating, mont. tuburcles, blue veins, irritabe, burning BB's.

Im 11 dpo today, i havent taken a test yet. Im going to Acupuncture today and hoping she feels my pulse and says she think im pregnant. If so ill prob take a test in the morning.

Im really not looking forward to doing this this again if im not. But i have no choice lol.

Progesterone Level

35 at 5dpo!! woo-hoo!!

2 in 1

So Acupuncture:

I REALLY like the lady im going to now, by far the best one (out of 4 ive tried). She told me not to eat/drink anything cold (which is not easy btw), dont pick up Jack (also, hard) eat alot of protein, and put warmth on my feet. Im seeing her once a week and she says this can help. I sure hope so!

Fertility:

Last thursday on day 10 i went in for my u/s. I was hoping for 3 follicles since i took 150mg of Clomid. Well i didnt get 3, i got 1 and it was on my left side (thats 3 months in a row with follies on my left side!) So it only takes one. The follicle was 28.5 and they said i would def be ovulating in the next couple days. Pete and i went to NY the next day for a wedding so we had the whole weekend to ourselves! So im hoping we accomplished our goal! oh my e2 was 530ish (so im hoping there was another follies hiding behind the big one).

Today i am 3dpo and ever since Sunday ive been sick with a slight cold/fever. Im really hoping this doesnt hurt anything. Today i started feeling some slight crampiness but i know its way too soon...Fingers crossed!

Plan #523

So injectables are out this month since Pete and i are going away for a wedding during the weekend of Ovulation (note the capital O for importance) and i need to be monitored. I didnt realize it was going to be super extensive so Dr. P upped my Clomid to 150mg (as per my suggestion b/c im a super PIA). Im going in Thursday for my baseline and start the Clomid tomorrow.

Im also throwing in acupuncture (again) this cycle. Alot of my friends/co-workers have been telling me about this lady for months so i figure id give it a try since one of my friends just went to her and got pregnant the first month after struggling for a bit. She even takes insurance which is a major plus! Acupuncture usual just feels like "more needles and appointments" but ill give it a shot, maybe ill like it this time. Ive also been doing chiropractic ajustments for 6 months and thats suppose to help.

I also do other crayz things because it MAY help...i drink lemon water (suppose to detoxify your body), i take a crapload of supplements fish oil, evening primrose, vitamin e...the normal baby aspirin, 100x more Folic Acid then the normal person, i switched my shampoos and conditioners, body wash all to organic also my facewash is organic now...ill move onto organic makeup at some point...my deoderant is organic. I buy organic milk, and fruits and veggies...Trader Joes is my new favorite store.

I Hope. I think positive. Every month i figure out my due date and i focus on that all month long. I think about how the season will be, how old jack will be, i even look at pajamas in Tagret and think "those would be cute the hospital"....Im crazy lol...or i call it HOPEFUL, DETERMINED, POSITIVE. I cant let mesyelf feel sorry for myself. Other people in the world have cancer or just lost a child, their husband, their job, house ect. I got a great husband, son, house, job, dogs, family and friends. Im not going to spend one minute complaining about what i DONT have when i have so much.

But that doesnt mean im not going to try like HELL to get what i want!