Why IVF and what is PGD?

I know alot of you are new readers and dont know much about my history. So im going to try and explain it as simply as i can.

I can get pregnant on my own very easily. Pete and i got pregnant on our own within 1-2 months everytime we tried. Thats not my problem. I dont do IVF to get pregnant, i do it for the PGD so i can STAY pregnant.

PGD is Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis. It basically is a super expensive test to test our embryos to make sure they are healthy before we "transfer" them back in. You hear alot about it on GMA and the Today show when people want to choose genders for their kids or eye color, blah, blah. I get so upset over those stories because its a test that really helps people.

With 4 unexplained losses the doctors couldnt find a reason why i couldnt hold onto a pregnancy. So we do the PGD to make sure we have a healthy baby in there (since most miscarriages are due to genetic problems) and i also do Lovenox injections to help with blood flow to the uterus to help the baby thrive.

let me explain :)

Sorry i forgot to explain wha a BPP and NST are! lol

They both check on the well-being of the baby

BPP - is a Biophysical Profile...its an u/s that they measure the amount of fluid around the baby, his activity (he needs to make 3 good movements in 30 minutes) and see if he is practice breathing for at least 15 seconds.

NST - is a Non-Stress Test. They strap 2 monitor on me, one to measure uterine activity and the other to measure Jacks heartrate. I also push a button whenever i feel him move. When he moves they like to see his heartrate go up 15 points and then fall back down to baseline, he needs to do this 2 times in 20 minutes.

So now you know what im talking about :)

Getting Antsy, but its AUGUST!

Ok i know im "only" 30+ wks but im starting to get really antsy. I def dont want him coming now but itd be OK for time to go by a tad quicker!!

I just want to see him, feel him, kiss him, see what he looks like ect. I want to be immersed in my little family with my great hubby. Pete even said last night "i cant wait to be sitting here with him sleeping on my chest." We are SO mentally ready for him.

Of course i have my fears. Will our realtionship change and how? Will we settle in a good routine? Will he LIKE me?! I see how much Sage loves my sister and she always says "i cant wait for you to feel this love." Im so excited to feel that love. Im petrified when hes a teenager...but thats a LONG ways away.

Surprisingly im not afraid of labor. Maybe b/c i know im in good hands and i know the hospital VERY well and the ppl taking care of my after i know personally (ill be staying on the floor i work on)! Dr. B is a great doc so i know he wont let anything happen. Im nervous for AFTER, will he be OK?

Im so excited, anxious and nervous! I cant wait :)

One year ago...

This time last year i was driving into Providence and calling the fertility doctor to let him know i had a + HPT. I was hopeful but cautiously optimistic since this was my 3rd pregnancy in 9 months. Well i wont get into details since we know it didnt work out.

I really dont dwell on the past but sometimes it comes back to haunt you. My past is what makes me so nervous with this pregnancy and what makes me not enjoy this pregnancy as much as i would like.

My past is also what makes me appreciate what i have so much more then if all the m/c's didnt happen. I wish they didnt happen, but i wouldnt change anything b/c this whole journey has made me who i am now....and has brought Jack to me.

I will never forget those angels i lost. Jack is my miracle baby and all those late nights and moments where most will want to scream, i will relish in every second of it b/c it took me so long to experience motherhood.

So just b/c i dont talk about my m/c's doesnt mean i dont think about them anymore. Im just in a different spot in my life and i am so grateful to be here!

Freak Out

This is my freak out from yesterday.


I think my sanity is slowly disapatting....

Yesterday my nips were ON FIRE, so much so it woke me up from a dead sleep. I took this as a very good sign and actually enjoyed feeling the pain b/c i was thinking it was from my babes saying "HI,Mom, we're in nice and tight!"

Well today i woke up from a dead sleep b/c i realized they werent tender/sore/on fire NOTHING!! So now i feel DOOMED!!!

Ive been able to pretty much hold myself together throughout this process, but now i think im going overboard. I know that symtptoms come and go but still ...IM FREAKING OUT!

Then yesterday they called me with my prog level and it was 19.7 (they like it above 20) so now im up to 2cc of PIO...i know full well its fine and prog rises and falls..blah, blah, but...yup, you guessed it IM FREAKING OUT!

Today im 5dp5dt, so im coming close and just so scared this didnt work. We dont have enough money to do another cycle right away, i know i have time on my side, but i just want a baby NOW!!

Today im feeling better. My breasts are on/off sore but no more fire nipples, the cramps are still there off and on as well, they are always in the same spot so im hoping its just the place of implanatation. Thats really it. Today im 6dp5dt so its still early. I have not POAS and i dont have any in the house. I may take one on saturday, when my period is due so i have a more accurate reading.

So im hanging in there and just praying this is it!!

It hasnt sunk in....

I keep saying over and over "i did IVF and there 2 babies trying to implant right NOW!". I just cant seem to wrap my mind around it this time. Im alot calmer than last time and i know the reality that it may not take. But i cant even think of that either!! Just writting "it may not take" makes my heart stop!!

My mom came down on thursday and is leaving today. She cleaned alot but didnt do much for me. I felt bad to ask her for something b/c she was too busy organizing all my shit! lol. But it was so nice for her to come and help out, now i dont have to worry about it. Im sad shes going.

The dogs must sense i cant play out keep getting up to let them out, theyve been so good. Sadies been next to me the whole time, hugging my feet. :) My poor girls, their life is going to be turned upside down if these babies stick!!

The PIO shots are alot better than i expected! Theres only been 1 that kinda hurt, but i think thats just cause i didnt ice the area long enough. But i have no welts/lumps/ or bruises (knock on wood).

Last time i didnt write down any symptoms andi wish i had so i knew what i was experiencing at this point. So im going to this time.
This morning i started getting booby pains, im SO hoping they are not from the PIO but from my babes burrowing in!!! I also have some creamy CM. The crampiness is very minimal, to the point where i could say theres basically none.

At this point last cycle i was in triage suffering from OHSS. I am happy to say, i feel GREAT!! Im still a tad bloated but nothing like it was before. Plus i think the bloat is from the PIO shots (they can cause constipation...i knew you wanted to know that!! :) )

So this week its back to work. Im hoping this time next week ill feel a ton of pg symptoms and i have a + HPT...but i havent decided if ill take one.

OK enough blabbering.

Getting him involved..

Last night Pete and i did my Follistim shot.

We've got quite a routine going. Since ive woke up 3 times past 9am to take lupron ( i still take it since its only like 915-930). Anyways Pete started drawing up my lupron and waking me up so i can take it. Last night he did all the prep work with the follistim as well.

I really like this b/c it allows him to be involved with all of this. He also started going to my u/s's last cycle to see the follies grow. He would write down the measurements for us and i would have the doctors sheet in my hand. It also helps to have him there b/c my left ovary is a bitch to find so he writes everything down while i push on my belly.

So we no longer can BD to make a baby but i really feel having him go to my appointments and prepare my shots makes us feel we ARE doing this TOGETHER. It also makes me feel not-so alone with this whole process.

Sunday is my first E2 level. Last time it was 390 @ that point so im curious to see what it will be this time.

The Aftermath...

Well the cycle failing def. feels like a m/c, even though im so relieved it wasnt one. There was so many factors leading up to this that i just really wanted it to work and when it didnt, i was (am) devasted :(

I try to be upbeat and remain postive but sometimes its hard. I try not to think about what things "might" have been. I could have a 6 month old right now, or be 34 weeks preggo, or 22 weeks, and now almost 6 weeks and waiting for my first u/s wondering if both stuck. But NOPE, im still sitting here wishing, hoping, and WAITING!!

But, then i go back a year and we had NO IDEA what was wrong or where to go next. A year later, 2 m/c's and one failed IVF i feel we may be getting closer. Each day brings me closer to having a family. Thats the only thought that keeps me going.

Mentally, i am feeling better. Work was a bitch to go back to. Ive been hiding in the nursery b/c i CANNOT take care of patients. If ANYONE asks me if i have kids, or if im pregnant (thank you scrub tops) i think ill have a nervous breakdown. So ive been taking care of the babies withdrawing from methadone/crack/herion ect. or the kiddos whose mothers are prostitutes who are hitting the streets and not terminating their rights so these poor babies are going to be in fostercare their whole lives! So frustrating! But they dont talk, so im good!

On the other hand, i admitted a baby the other day with severe complications and shouldnt have made it and i was actually thankful for my m/c's...weird, but its a way to cope i guess.

People have been great and very supportive. Im still in shock it didnt work. Pete says "Bitter ppl stay in the past, so lets move on." Well i see what hes saying, but i AM bitter right now. I cant help it. Im giving myself until the 12th to be pissed then its time to move forward.

Im very anxious to hear what Dr. P has to say. I may need to wait a few cycles b/c of the OHSS but i am hoping things are clear and we can start the BCPs around xmas.

I know things happen for a reason but im sick and tired of this. I want my life back. I just want a family. Why is that so hard?

Hurry Up and Wait...

For the past month and a half ive been trying not to pay attention to time. But now that things are going to start moving this week, the days are dragging! I cant wait for my baseline and start doing the stim drugs! I just want to get this moving!!!

Pete is gone for the week :( he left yesterday and i already miss him terribly.

Usually this week my mom comes down to spend time with me but between the 2 of us we have 6 dogs! Theres no way thats gonna work, so im all alone, oh well. It didnt help yesterday when our kitchen ceiling started LEAKING! I had to break a hole through the ceiling and i bunch of water came flying down! It was a mess!! Thank goodness it stopped raining!

Curry STILL has NOT had Saige! Im dying over here! She bought this inducing cream cheese and i think shes going to try it this morning, hopefully it works! I had a dream she had her so maybe it will be today?!

Also i switched acupuncturists. Im going to a woman now who actually talks English and EXPLAINS to me what shes doing! Its pretty cool. She said i have weak kidneys and the kidneys is what supports a pregnancy! Who knew? So we're fixing my kidneys! SHe also gave my a moxibustion (sp?) stick to do it myself at home and put "earballs" in my ears to help with stress and anxiety. Let me tell ya, i already feel a difference! I highly recommend acupuncture!!

Gotta go Sadie needs to poop!

small update with not much news

the only big thing that has happened since my last update is im off the BCPs and ive been on the Lupron for one week. The Lupron is treating me well, i only have clammy night sweats but not every night. AF is showing right on time, im spotting and very emotional and it should be full force on friday.

The RE office hasnt called yet with my Mycoplasma results, so im still waiting.

Curry is still pregnant, her due date is friday. We all are getting impatient, i cant wait to meet Saige!

a rough 24 hours..

Well i know ive dabbled into talking about my job before but i never really got into it. First of all i LOVE my job, most of the time. Last night was HELL. I wont get into full detail but for 8 1/2 hours i took care of a homeless crack addict on her TENTH baby!!! She didnt have custody of any of her other children - THANK GOD. She was disgusting, mean, helpless, hopeless, and a figgin MOTHER!! ARGH!! I wanted to SCREAM!! The poor baby was in NICU withdrawing - what a %^&%.

Now i know alot of people going through RPL get mad at these situations - but they hear about them in newspapers or through friends...but i SEE it, i have to be NICE and CARE for these jerks! I dont have a SECOND to get away from my HELL! NOT ONE SECOND!!!

Not to mention i had to listen to the secretary talk about her new pregnancy that took her a week and a half to get and im sure everything will be FINE. Not to mention the volenteers daughter being pregnant with twins, shes 8 weeks and they are already planning childcare!! WTH!

Then i come home and pete comes into the living room and i tell him we need to go to the psych appt in the morning and he gets all mad b/c this whole process is "affecting work" - Well IM SORRY I CANT KEEP A BABY BUT EVERY SCUMBAG CAN! No, i dint say that i just took a shower and cried to myself.

Then this morning we went to the psychiatrist and i already felt like i was going to snap! She wanted to hear our story, it took everything for me to hold it together. Then she proceeds to try to talk me OUT of IVF because it should be a last ditch effort and i should keep "running" even though i dont know where or for how long i need to run before i get to the finish line!! ARGH! (im still doing the IVF, ive done enough research to know this is the best next step!)

So here i sit 1:15pm and i need to work @ 3pm....NOT in the MOOD!

In 4 weeks...

Im going to be an AUNT!!!

So many people say "I'm so sorry." when they hear my sister is pregnant! Isnt that NUTS?! Yes, it wasnt unplanned, shes not married, and she been with her bf for 36weeks (yes, shes 36 weeks). But things are going well for her. I really think that this is the best thing to happen to her, and its a BABY, more importantly- my niece!

Im so excited for Saige to get here!! (and on my selfish side note - i know her womb works...so i may need to rent it out- lol!)

Onto my fertility. We went to the IVF class today. It was alot of info, but i feel more prepared for it. And Pete is on the antibiotics as well b/c i made him call to request them! They said its not "protocol" but they gave him the perscription anyways - damn straight!! It makes me feel alot better that hes on them too.

I still cant believe this is happening...

Nice to get away

It was a good Labor Day. I had 5 wonderful days off of work and Pete and i went to NH and ME for the weekend. We went to a wedding and then up to Petes hunting cabin for 2 nights. Nala passed her first leg at a junior hunter retriever field trail, so proud of my baby girl! :)

More needles

During the past few months people have been offering me numerous ways to help my "situation". The most common solution was acupuncture. OK i'll try it...

I walk in and there's "miracle babies" all over the walls and this cute chinese man in a white lab coat who speaks broken English who keeps telling me i NEED tea!

So he bring me in the back and goes to work and then proceeds to put a heating lamp over my body, tells me "good night", shuts off the lights and leaves....OK?

All of a sudden i get so comfortable its hard for me to keep my eyes open, it was crazy!! It was so relaxing and i felt the effects hours later.

A half hour passes and he storms in, takes out the needles and tell me to "come back tuesday"...OK...then "you keep baby next time with TEA"...OK.

So this little chinese man seems to have my cure - TEA!

what in the hell is a BETA??

Ahh, the lovely world of infertility. People will ask me "hows everything going?" I quicikly realize some just want a simple answer to a very complex question.

Im the type of person who talks...i cant help it. It helps me. So lots of people get a surprising story to a very simple question. Since i talk, alot of my peers, aquaintances, neighbors ect. , ect. know my story. And that OK with me.

My family, bless their hearts, try to stay up-to-date with doctor appointments, bloodwork, and procedures. Do they have any idea what im talking about when i explain things to them? Probably not. But thats not what matters. What matters is- they care.

Being in the medical field as well(im a post-partum nurse...yeah out of all jobs this is what i do, but i love it, so its OK- explaing this is a whole other post!) Anyways, it hard to explain things to people who 1- havent been researching the internet for a year about the topic or 2- have no medical background. But i try.

So the title to this post is the question i get the most. So ill try to explain it so reading this blog maybe a little easier if your not part of the RPL/IF world.

A beta is a blood test which measures the viability of a pregnancy. You start off with one # and in 48 hours it should double. And once you miss a period the beta is (on average) about 100. If the beta is not rising appropraitely - you got a problem.

So ladies and gentlemen, when im talking betas, im not talking fish!