Fert Report!

9 eggs retrieved...8 mature...6 fertilized!!

Im psyched with that number...i was going to be happy with 3 so 6 is awesome! They said ill have a day 3 transfer on Saturday. Ive never done a day 3 transfer but i think its time for something different :) Im pretty sure we'll put in 3.

Im feeling better today, still sore but OK. Im missing out on Turkey Day at my inlaws but i need one more day to really relax. Plus Jack doesnt get the concept im in pain and wants me to do everything (which i happily do, but im spent now).

Pete was also sick last night and went to bed early last night and i was put on Jack duty...

pete made me a gluten free turkey dinner before he left, what agreat hubby :)

Egg Retrieval

Besides anxiety everything went fine...my IV got put in on the first attempt so thats good news. Dr. Wheeler did my retrieval, i never had her before but she was pretty nice. The only thing is is we only got 9 eggs... All my other retrievals i had 12-20 eggs so this is the lowest i ever had but my E2 was the highest i ever had...weird. Im hoping for 5 to make it to the growing stages. Im guessing ill end up with a 3 day transfer since i didnt get many eggs. If thats the case i feel ok putting in 3 even i know triplets are still a possiblity.

I cant contrl this so whatever is to happen will happen. Im just hoping these 9 eggs are all mature so they all get a chance to fertilize. Im suppose to call at 2 for my fert report...but im thinking they may call me earlier since its thanksgiving.

PLEASE.....

Triggering

So my E2 yesterday was 1474 and today it was 2175

Todat showed 19 meaurable follicles...they all were measuring smaller then yesterday?! Which makes no sense but im triggering so im happy with that.

Going in Wednesday at 700am...

Dr. P cant do my ER which sucks but what can u do...

hopefully this is it!

follie check #3

Even tho im at a 22, they are pushing me another day

L: 22,20, 17, 17

R: 21.5, 21.5, 16, 15.5, 14.5, 14, 13.5, 13

So thats 12 measurable...20 all together since i have 8 less then 12. She wants the little guys to catch up a bit more...so lets hope for a good dozen :)

My E2 was in the 840's yesterday and i forgot to ask today...ill find out tomorrow when i go back.

Follie Check #2

I made some good progress..

L0: 19.5, 18,16.5, 13 4<12

RO: 20.5, 19, 14.5, 13, 13.5, 12 4<12

So i have 18 follicles 10 measurable and 5 mature. My biggest is a 20.5 so im getting one more day..thank goodness...curious to see what tomorrow is going to bring.

Yesterday my E2 was 343..

Follie check #1

So we have 14 follicles with 5 measurable and 3 are mature with my biggest being 19. The nurse thinks ill be back tomorrow...she said the ones that werent measurable were all around 11 so hopefully by tomorrow, all will be measurable and that 19 will stall in growth so i can a few more days/eggs under my belt - no pun intended :)

LO: 19,17.5, 14, 12 3<12
RO: 15.5 6< 12

Will edit when i get my E2 level.

Now things get interesting

After 6 weeks of waiting we are finally in the stim phase. Today im on day 4..i usually "stim" for 9-10 days. I went in for a E2 check today and things are moving ALOT faster then my last 3 cycles. My e2 was 274 (which is even higher then what it was with Jack). Egg retrieval will be either tuesday or wednesday at this rate.

I go backFriday for an u/s to see whats really cooking in there!

Im begging for this to work this time....

Officially a pin cushion

Started the Lupron yesterday. I ovulated today so egg retrieval and such will be the week of thanksgiving!

So far so good on the gluten free diet...my skin is clearer i sleep so much better and i dont look 4 months pregnant on a daily basis! YAY :)

Back to IVF

Well AF decided to show 3 days early so we're getting this show on the road. Ill do my CD 3 bloodwork tomorrow and start Lupron on day 21..so thatll be Oct 24. Egg Retrieval will most likely be in the 2nd week of November. Im excited to get this rolling again.

So i went to the Naturopath last week and it was really interesting. She told me i may have a gluten sensitivity and going on a gluten free diet will help lower my ANA (which is now 1: 160 nucleaor patterned, whatever that means) but it was 1:320 when trying for Jack so its lower but that was taken while on the Medrol.

So im now gluten free - i feel a difference, def not as bloated as usual so i think this chick was on to something. But let me tell switching over to all organic on top off gluten free - OUCH! on my wallet! But the food is actually pretty good...i confess, i ate a whole thing of cookies in 3 days! But for 6 dollars i should have enjoyed them!

Back to the Naturopath....she also put me on a "more potent" PNV, and antioxident formula called NAC and extra vitamins called ACES plus Zinc. I cant remember if it was the vitamins or the antioxidents but one of them was used in a study for RPL and the women who took it had a 82% success rate! Ill take it!!

She also told me to put Castor Oil on my belly and put heat on it, that will help too, somehow.

I really liked her and i hope this all works.

So for the next 6 weeeks ill follow the diet, go to Acupuncture 2x a week, take more supplements, eat all Organic and wish. hope. and pray. Pete says we should add "go to church" to the mix, which i think is a good idea.

Diagnosis: Bad Luck

So i saw Dr. P today and we went over my new plan. She was actually glad i came in to go back to IVF since this plan wasnt working.We are going to do IVF no PGD (1. b/c im a bit jaded by it now with back to back losses and 2. she doesnt think itll be covered and i dont have 6000 to throw down to pay for something thats not a sure thing).

Shes not super keen on me taking the prednisone but she going to continue the medrol for 4 days and then go to 5mg of prednisone to maintain the effects of the medrol but if i get pregnant it will increase to 10mg until a heartbeat is detected then we'll wean off of it.

We are going to do 3 weeks worth of Doxycycline b/c i have a history of endometritis (infection of the uterine lining) and my last antibiotic treatment was 8+ months ago so just to cover our bases.

We are going to push for a Day 5 transfer and put in 2 of the best. Pete and i do not want to put in more then 2 since we got pregnant with the triplets and thats not something we can handle.

My period is due next thursday so the ER will be in November.

She said i have a 2/3 chance of having another baby - thats a 66.6% chance....lets hope.

GRRR

So i went in for my u/s and i have one follicle on my RIGHT side... UG. I have no tube on my right side AND im spotting for some strange reason. The follicle was a 20, which means they are having me trigger tonight. Im only on CD 8! So basically this cycle is a bust.

Im calling tomorrow to get an appt with Dr. P to go over doing IVF again. Im so over only getting 1 follicle...i need to get this party started!

Now the next question... to PGD or no PGD...

Here we go, yet again

So i am on day 3 of stims. Im on 100units of Follistim which i feel is WAY too high since i was on 175 with my IVF and got 12-20 eggs! I go in tomorrow for a E2 check to make sure the dosage isnt too high. My ovaries are def. working. If i have too many follicles for plain ol' ovulation then im going to tell them to do IVF (why not, whats another cycle?) ...i am NOT wasting eggs. I prob wont do PGD with it though...thinking ahead of myself. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Tomorrow...

is Jacks BIRTHDAY!!! My "baby" is 3!! I'm so exciting for tomorrow since he has been counting down his birthday for like 100 days lol. It all started when i told him id get him a toy he wanted for his birthday...so EVERYDAY he asks when his birthday is! We got him the Imaginect Bigfoot, and little thingslike stickers, coloring books a pillow pet, buzz lightyear costume, Toy story books, towels. My mom got him Toy Story on ICe tickets for tomorrow so he is super psyched. I cant wait to see him face tomorrow when he ses the presents and its finally his birthday!!

Tomorrow is also a reminder that my uterus DOES work!

I joined a message board online with women who are going through this hell too....of course i beat everyone with the number of losses i've had :( and most are in the 40's trying to have kids. Alot of ppl write to me and ask if ive been tested for immune stuff.

No i havent...the basics, yes but the 1000 dollar work-up...no. I dont see the need, my RE and my OB dont see the point either. If anythings comes back + im already on the meds. I dont feel comfortable with Intralipids...so heparin, BA, 4mg of Folic Acid, b complex, medrol, prednisone, vitamin e, EPO, Prog in Oil and PNV will have to do.

I really think PGD#2 loss was a true chemical or a ectopic since my shoulder killed as soon as i found out i was pregnant...the triplets, i think my body was like "hells no"..so im really, truly hoping the next pregnancy is a good one. Maybe the PGD did damage my embryos?! I really wish we knew but we dont...

If im not pregnant by Janurary i think i may do IVF again. I need this to be done with.

Sad

Maybe its cause im PMSing but i am just soo sad today. Its not only sadness, but frustration, fear, and lonliness...

What if this never happens again? Ive always wanted a big family (3 kids) and with all this bullshit I'm OK with 2. I just never thought this was going to be so hard the 2nd time around. I thought i d a few IVF cycles, get pregnant and move on with my life....But here i am one year later, 3 IVF cycles, a chemical pregnancy and a loss of triplets and 3 Clomid cycles under my belt...the only thing i have to show for what I've gone through is a broken heart.

I search high and low on the internet for some kind of inspirational stories but i may find one out of 100. I know my own story is inspiration but i need more at this moment. I'm trying so hard to keep myself afloat and be happy but today I'm tired and I'm sad...This is NOT FAIR and I'm OVER IT. "Everything happens for a reason", "Relax and it will happen", "but you have Jack.."....I want to tell everyone to SHUT THE FUCK UP....just give me a hug and say "this sucks and im sorry!"

I know ill be OK b/c 90% of the time, i am. But today im not OK im irritated at the world..

I asked Pete about doing IUI this month with the Follistim but he said "why since my sperm is fine..." Which is true. My "day one" will most likely be tomorrow. SO we'll get the ball rolling again soon. Ill def be doing Follistim - just need to make sure they will allow timed intercourse with it.

UG!

Negative at 12dpo. WTF!

I could write for days about how much this is starting to piss me off, but im sure you already know... I know this is only our 3rd month trying on our own but its never taken us this long to get pregnant. Im just glad it not a misscarriage, thats what i keep saying. When this happens again it needs to be PERFECT!

Going to move onto Follistim this cycle and hope for more then one egg.

11 dpo

Sorry for the lack of updates but there really isnt one. I really dont have many symptoms. Which i dont know what to think about since theres months were i have a gamete of them and im not pregnant. But ill list out the ones i have just for the fun of it. Bloating, mont. tuburcles, blue veins, irritabe, burning BB's.

Im 11 dpo today, i havent taken a test yet. Im going to Acupuncture today and hoping she feels my pulse and says she think im pregnant. If so ill prob take a test in the morning.

Im really not looking forward to doing this this again if im not. But i have no choice lol.

Progesterone Level

35 at 5dpo!! woo-hoo!!

2 in 1

So Acupuncture:

I REALLY like the lady im going to now, by far the best one (out of 4 ive tried). She told me not to eat/drink anything cold (which is not easy btw), dont pick up Jack (also, hard) eat alot of protein, and put warmth on my feet. Im seeing her once a week and she says this can help. I sure hope so!

Fertility:

Last thursday on day 10 i went in for my u/s. I was hoping for 3 follicles since i took 150mg of Clomid. Well i didnt get 3, i got 1 and it was on my left side (thats 3 months in a row with follies on my left side!) So it only takes one. The follicle was 28.5 and they said i would def be ovulating in the next couple days. Pete and i went to NY the next day for a wedding so we had the whole weekend to ourselves! So im hoping we accomplished our goal! oh my e2 was 530ish (so im hoping there was another follies hiding behind the big one).

Today i am 3dpo and ever since Sunday ive been sick with a slight cold/fever. Im really hoping this doesnt hurt anything. Today i started feeling some slight crampiness but i know its way too soon...Fingers crossed!

Plan #523

So injectables are out this month since Pete and i are going away for a wedding during the weekend of Ovulation (note the capital O for importance) and i need to be monitored. I didnt realize it was going to be super extensive so Dr. P upped my Clomid to 150mg (as per my suggestion b/c im a super PIA). Im going in Thursday for my baseline and start the Clomid tomorrow.

Im also throwing in acupuncture (again) this cycle. Alot of my friends/co-workers have been telling me about this lady for months so i figure id give it a try since one of my friends just went to her and got pregnant the first month after struggling for a bit. She even takes insurance which is a major plus! Acupuncture usual just feels like "more needles and appointments" but ill give it a shot, maybe ill like it this time. Ive also been doing chiropractic ajustments for 6 months and thats suppose to help.

I also do other crayz things because it MAY help...i drink lemon water (suppose to detoxify your body), i take a crapload of supplements fish oil, evening primrose, vitamin e...the normal baby aspirin, 100x more Folic Acid then the normal person, i switched my shampoos and conditioners, body wash all to organic also my facewash is organic now...ill move onto organic makeup at some point...my deoderant is organic. I buy organic milk, and fruits and veggies...Trader Joes is my new favorite store.

I Hope. I think positive. Every month i figure out my due date and i focus on that all month long. I think about how the season will be, how old jack will be, i even look at pajamas in Tagret and think "those would be cute the hospital"....Im crazy lol...or i call it HOPEFUL, DETERMINED, POSITIVE. I cant let mesyelf feel sorry for myself. Other people in the world have cancer or just lost a child, their husband, their job, house ect. I got a great husband, son, house, job, dogs, family and friends. Im not going to spend one minute complaining about what i DONT have when i have so much.

But that doesnt mean im not going to try like HELL to get what i want!

Day 1

Again. This. Sucks.

Yes, no, maybe?!

These are the questions in my head. I got the call yesterday that i definately ovulated. My progesterone was 15.3 (or was it 50, im going to check my labs today when i go to work).

I def. have symptoms. I noticed yesterday (5dpo) my montgomery tubercles are very prominent and i have a bunch of CM (some EW)...this morning (6dpo) i have some pulling on my right side just like i had with Jack and my last 2 pregnancies. Im bloated my boobs feel heavy and im tired and hungry. All these symptoms started yesterday with more pronounced today.

We'll see. I havent decided when ill test. Ill probably start around 10dpo, which is wednesday.

i never "make sense"

So for the past 8 days ive gone in for monitoring 6 times! Thats more then when i was doing IVF...the point of doing clomid was for things to be easier on me, sheesh!

Anyways my ovaries never showed a follicle bigger then 12mm. But i told the nurses about 3 days ago i started to get EWCM (an ovualtion sign) and that i was feeling alot of twinges on both sides, but still no follicles were growing. Well yesterday the nurse called me and said "You saw your ovaries, theres nothing there BUT your bloodwork indicates you are about to ovulate!....Torri, this just doesnt MAKE SENSE!"....HAHAH all i could do was laugh because this is the story of this journey! So the nurse told me to "have intercourse" yesterday and today.

The next step is for a progesterone check on friday. If that indicates ovulation ill start all my meds.

Im pretty sure this cycle is a bust but crazier things have happened!

Hope?

So my CD 10 ultrasound wasnt so exciting. I had 2 follicles, on eon each side, both measuring 12mm. Last time i had 2 also but were much bigger at 24mm and 17mm. My e2 was also only 76 (343 last time). So i go back Monday for another u/s to make sure these follies keep growing. I def wont be O'ing on CD 13 though. Im guessing more like 16ish. We'll see. Also my stripe was only 5.7, which is pretty sucky but it has time to thicken so im hopeful monday will bring better results. If this month doesnt work out im going to ask to go on Follistim next cycle.

So tonight at work (im a postpartum nurse....yes one of the worst professions while going through this hell but i seriously love my job - most days). So anyway, i had a pt who had twins after 6 miscarriages and doing IVF/pgd..it took her 5 cycles to get these babies. She also had a son the same age as jack and had a ectopic where to lost her right tube, just like me...crazy! But talking to her tonight gave me hope. I know my own story gives me hope too but sometimes its nice to know your not alone.

For the first time in months ive felt like this may actually happen again! :)

Day 1

Day 1 ....i think im becoming a very agitated RPL'er....about time right?

Im sick of day 1's.. and 3's and 10-14's and day 21's and days 10-14dpo. Im hating them all because they are my countdown and everyday i have to know what "DAY" it is. And as long as i have to know the DAY then that means im still stuck in this HELL!

Im becoming SO. OVER. IT!

I wrote to the SIRM message boards this week to see what their opinion is. And they think i need to test for Natural killer cell activitiy and DQ alpha antigen (basically saying pete and I's DNA are too "alike" and my body doesnt "get it" that it s a baby)...So should i spend hundreds of dollars to get these tests done? IDK. If they come up negative ill go on intralipids to help suppress my immune system but if this IS my problem HOW DID I HAVE JACK?! UG!!! Plus i really dont want to do IVF again but they only like to do IVF in conjuntion with treatment since you know your putting in healthy babes (yes id do PGD again)....BUT this is a out of network faciltiy which means id have to pay 80% of the IVF and the PGD wont be covered at all most likely. So thats WAY too much money on a gamble.

Plus im on the prednisone now and that supresses the immune system. I feel like i need to give this treatment plan a "go" before i move onto experimental treatments.

This is what is in my head these days...

How many does it take?

I must have taken 10 tests in 2 days and all are negative!! GRRR.

I was really hoping this was going to work on the first try on our own. My period is due tomorrow so in 2 weeks or so we'll just try again.

TRY AGAIN.

UG! Ive been really scared that this is just not going to happen. I try to talk to Pete about it and tell him my concerns that we may just NOT have a 2nd baby...and it makes me really sad :( But he is still positive. I just dont get how i did this just 2 years ago and my body is just not getting the memo.

I know i have a good life and that makes me feel stupid for wanting this but, its always been my dream to be a mom. Everytime Jack hugs me or says "i Lub you" i melt and im so sad this may be my only time i get to enjoy this with a little one. I know im lucky to even experience this. But i always wanted a big family.

I just want this to happen.

A Negative Test at 11dpo

Im so mad at myself that i tested this early because i know full well i could still be pregnant but no, ive been kinda mopey all day b/c of it. Hoping tomorrow i get a good 2nd line.

I havent tested this early since trying on my own 5 years ago. With all my IVF cycles i waited until day of beta. STUPID STUPID.

I have some symptoms...My nipples are going crazy with mong. tubucles (which is usually my tip-off), im extremely bloated, super hungry after i just ate and unbearably cranky.

Hoping this negative test is nonsense!!

The jist so far.

So im currently 7dpo which means a little baby should be implanting right about now. It's weird not to be couped up on the couch and enjoying a fabulous 4th of july weekend! I also missed no work due to IVF and between me and you, being able to "try" with my hubby was quite nice! :)

As far as symptoms, who really knows, nothing too crazy...just the normal twinches and pains.

All the shots have been fine.

I got my prog checked today 49.10! Thats the best ive ever had! My ovaries obviously like me better when i O on my own!! So i started 5mg Prednisone today. Im hoping that makes all the difference in the world!

Here we go....again!

Here's some pics from our recent vaca to N. Conway, NH. I love this kid :) We went to the waterslides today for the first time and the giggle he did the whole way down each time (which was at least 50 times) makes all this bullshit worth while....i get a pretty awesome prize at the end.

So here is the long awaited update. I got my period on 6/16... did 100mg of Clomid 3-7 went in for my HSG on thursday 6/24 (all clear, and it wasnt too bad..got alittle dizzy when they put in the ballon and everyone kept saying "you ok, you ok"...made me nervous but it was fine.) Then friday on day 10 i went in for follie check and i had 2 follies on my left side (same side i have my tube YAY!) and they measured 15.5 and 23.5 so ill most likely release both. My e2 was 353.

Ive been taking OPK's every 4 hours the past 2 days and got a + last night (sun) and this morning (mon). Pete and i got to business on Friday night, sunday morning and this morning im gonna try to get one more time out of him and then we wait. I know ill O today since im bloated and have pain on my left side...so if we get to one more time either tonight or tomorrow am then we did all we can do.

I start my medrol, heparin and progesterone in 3 days. I go in for my prog check next monday. Then ill start Prednisone until a baby with a heartbeat is detected.

I will get pregnant its just will it work with this protocol? Hoping so....

The Plan

So after i vented yesterday i realized i hadnt updated to give my next plan and what happened after that ultrasound. You can pretty much guess it was all over very shortly after that. I started bleeding on 5/17. The doctor wants me to wait a month to give my body a bit of a break (or maybe my sanity). So here i sit waiting for my period. I dont even know if i ovulated yet....ug!

Once i get my period i call and get 100mg of Clomid and schedule a HSG to check my lone tube (i have never had this test before). The rationale was i get pregnant so why check it but with 1 ectopic and one suspected ectopic they want to make sure everything looks good. The clomid will also help me ovulate on my one "good" side each month too.

Im staying on my 4mg Folic Acid, BA, Vitamin E, PNV and im guessing Lovenox (im going to ask for heparin since thats what i was on with Jack, even though i know its the same thing, im superstitious.)

Our major change (besides having sex rather then getting poked and prodded) is starting prednisone (medrol) after ovulation and staying on it until we see a baby with a heartbeat then weaning off of it....so itll probebly be until week 10 or so.

I do have a +ANA antibody so this, BA and heparin will most likely work ( it better!).

So youll hear from me once my period finally decides to show!

Sick.of.it.

I feel like screaming!! Everywhere i turn someone is knocked up! This past week we went to Storyland with Jack and i saw all over the place women pregnant with their 2-3 yr old with them...and there i was just FAT since i stress/pity eat (which im going on WW monday). But im seriously getting SICK OF THIS!! This was NOT suppose to be this hard this time around WTF!!! It is a year ago this month we decided to have another baby and hear iam still going through this hell! I felt desperate to have Jack and i havent felt that way this time around until this past week.

Im breaking down, i just want to complete my family, feel whole and be D-o-N-E with this!

Im happy for everyone that is preganant, believe me. But it starts to get disheartening when people email you and need advice on how to cope with trying or going through a miscarraige and one after another they get pregnant again and have healthy babies while your still sitting here trying, coping, wishing, praying, crying and living a life that doesnt feel complete. I love what i have and i am TRULY greateful but, im having a moment and im pissed!

I just want another baby and everyone with their baby bumps, sonograms pictures, and pregnancy announcements can go suck an egg!

Rollarcoaster ride.

UG! So we went in for my u/s this afternoon and we saw the 3 sacs right away. The yolk sac is still in baby A and B and C are empty and looked "small". She didnt sem to give those 2 much hope. She spent alot of time on sac A and measuring it but i could tell she wasnt very hopeful.

Im only 5w1d so she said she wants to give it another couple days and see what happens. MY beta was only 53. I do feel crampy today so who knows. But it wasnt very promising AT ALL.

So we talked alittle bit about a plan. Im done with IVF. I cant do it anymore esp if im getting the same results with the IVF. So Pete and i are just going to have fun and let nature take its course. Ill get a HSG just to check my other tube and then stay on the Baby asprin and go on Progesterone supplements to be safe. MIGHT do clomid but not sure.

Im very sad but i know it will work again at some point. I need to live my life and not let this be such a big part of it.

Wasnt expecting this!!

Ok so i got the call today that my beta dropped to 103 and was told to stop all meds. The nurse asked how i was feeling and i told her i was really dizzy (which ive had for a good 4 days), and i had some slight shoulder pain which i knew was just muscular. She told me i needed to go to the hospital and have a quick u/s to make sure it wasnt another ectopic....UG!

Thankfully i had my mom with me and Tracey took Jack. We get to the hospital and they do the ultrasound and the tech is seriously in my vagina for 45 minutes! I could tell she was looking at something very intently. It was driving me CRAZY. I tried and tried to ask her what she was seeing but, no response. I was even trying to look in her glasses to see the reflection of the screen, lol.
My legs started shaking so my mom came over and held one of the them. And she said i see black holes and i told her its probably my follicles on my ovaries....well after the tech was done i pee'd and came back in. I saw on the screen:

Baby A 4w6d
baby B 4w5d
baby c...i dont know i was in shock!

I said to my mom (and pete, he came in the last 5 minutes). "Why does it say baby a,b,c ?!" and my mom said "she kept going back to FETUS C".....WHAT?!? So we all sat there for 10 or so minutes trying to figure out what is going on. The tech came back in and said to get dressed and shes calling the ER....the ER?!? WHY!? So i thought i had another ectopic and i was going to get the tube out. The next thing i know the radiologist comes in and gives me Dr. P's private cell number and tells me to call her as soon as i get reception...ummm ok.

So we walk outside and i put her on speakerphone and she says:

"well torri, they found 3 sacs in your uterus all measuring 2 days within gestational age!" "One even has a yolk sac in it." "Your betas must be so high they are not reading correctly" "Im going to call the lab and get them redrawn..."

Ok so mind you my beta number is only 103! NOTHING should be seen on ultrasound nevermind 3 sacs!!!

Im a freaking mystery!

I go back wed for another beta level and an ultrasound at 1:30 and im trying like heck to find someone to work for me.

I am in SHOCK!

Lost...

Lonely, defeated, scared, upset, mad, pissed, hopeful...hopeless,confused, guilty, let-down...

I could go on but im sure you get the idea. I. am. so. sad.

WHY? Im so confused. How did this work with Jack and not now?

Thank GOD for Jack. Seriously.

I just want to get away from all this, away for a few days, clear my head feel happiness and strength...so i can do this again.

AGAIN...UG! Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit, but not having a second babe makes me so sad. Im a GOOD MOM. I deserve babies, a whole bunch of them. I do not feel complete.

So what do i do? My only option is to keep trying. Adoption, Surrocacy...options but not covered by insurance...

Im sad. So very sad :(

7

Number only went up to 148...

loss #7...

going monday to check to see whats happening.

I dont know how much more i can take :**(

OneHundredTwentyOne

121!!

I was going to be happy with anything over 100, so im happy. I go back friday for another draw and hoping it doubled.

PLEASE KEEP GROWING BABY!!! :)

I took a digital this morning at 545 after a very fitful nights rest. I went downstairs and told pete i was super nervous so he came up and sat next to me while i pee'd on the stick. We both watched the hourglass blink and within 45 seconds it said PREGNANT. My heart was beating so fast i had to sit down and take deep breathes.

One hurdle down, a whole bunch to go...hopfully about 33 weeks worth :)

Tomorrow is the day!

and i havent cheated!!

Period is due today, nothing, but im on the prog so thats probably why.

So lets see if i can remember my symptoms

Sunday 7dp5dt - not as bloated but def felt nausea at work...cramping was minimal, very gassy (burpy)...i feel gross after i eat.

Monday - same, bloated, on off bobby pains, tired..took afternoon nap

Tuesday - right and left sided ligament pulls, super nausea, booby pains

Pete bought a digital test a few days ago, so ill be taking that tomorrow morning before my beta...just ike i did with Jack.

Starting to get nervous that this didnt work...

FINGERS CROSSED!!

6dp5dt..and Jack :)

So im so bloated i look like im 5 months preggo. I dont know if its OHSS or the progesterone. All i know is im uncomfortable. I can breathe just fine so i know if it is OHSS its not severe. My "cramping" has been minimal the last fwe days, last night i felt some burning in my uterus, which was odd. My bbs are also the same....heres some TMI (but this is my dairy and i need to document everything)..my nips seem darker and my Montgomery tuberclues are bigger...i analyze everything lol. My shoulder hurts (again and this is irritating me cause i hope it doesnt meaan the pregnancy is in the tube.) My smell also seems a bit stronger.

Jack...
He had his 2 1/2 yr appt last week. He is now 27.6 pounds and 35 inches (both 25th percentile). He talking like crazy now. This past week everyday he is saying like 3 new words a day. He will repeat everything we say, which is so fun to watch. He even says "i love you" now! We started potty training about a week ago and he is doing very well. We've def had some accidents but for the most part i go through 1 maybe 2 pull ups a day. We went to the circus yesterday an he flipped out!! I think it was way too much stimulation for the little guybut i bought him a pop an he was fine after that (of course lol). We've also tried the Drive-Ins to see "how to train a dragon" which he was so excited about but by the time the movie started it was his bedtime and he just kept saying "i want to go hooomme!"...He is super into dinosaurs and dragons. He is sucha love and i cant imagine my life with this little guy!!

The update..(4dp5t)

Yesterday i felt some good cramping while at work and my bbs are not constantly sore but ill get waves of soreness...my bbs never really hurt with jack either.

Today same thing about the boobs and some slight twinching...sometimes is more like a period like crampiness...like it deep inside and im about to start a flow any second which is associate with a slight ache in my back.

Im exhausted today but that could be from the progesterone and the fact i just worked 2 days in a row and my kid has ecided not to sleep anymore.

Also had some nausea today...who knows...

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Nothing really happening..

Ok i know its only been 3 days since my transfer but i think implanatation should have happened yesterday...so im hoping ill start feeling something...soon.

Im def. bloated, i got some booby pains but nothing major and im concentrating so hard on my uterus i dont know if the slight twinges are actually my imagination. Yesterday i had a pretty queasy belly but i think its too soon for that to be a "real" symptom.

UG!! Please let this work.

On a good note my Progesterone was actually high enough at 36.6!

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

and the obsession begins...

OK ive said before im superstitious about verbalizing my symptoms and how im feeling out loud and i use this blog as my outlet.

So the transfer was yesterday and on the way to drop Jack off at my moms', the poor things threw up all over himself and Petes car :( We had to pull over on the side of the road and do a full out wardrobe change in the rain! Jack seemed fine and was singing "rwan rwan go a way" lol. He was fine the rest of the day.

Anyways we get there and we wait for a good half hour and i seriously thought my bladder was going to burst, i could literally feel my bladder pulsate it was so full (and i even emptied a bit 3 times). The girl next to us fianlly came out of the transfer room and i heard her say she felt the valium kick in, so i knew she had a tough time, poor thing. I dont care about the transfer the egg retrieval is much more stressful for me since it entails an IV.

So i go into the room and Dr. B was there (he did my transfer in oct.) I knew he was going to say negative things about my embryos and he did. My hatching blast looked "excellent" but my blast "wasnt great" and my 3rd was "just a morula". But i dont care. My last transfer was of 2 "excellent" hatching blasts and it didnt work so what going to stick is going to stick no matter what.

It was the fastest tranfer. ever. I layed down the put the catheter right in, grabbed the embryos, checked my name and DOB, pointed to the screen and in they went. It took maybe 2 minutes.

I rested that whole day and even took a good 2 hour nap - which was needed since Jack was up all night with nightmares ( i know, poor thing!). I def felt crampy the day of the transfer. I also felt pretty calm. Ive accpeted i cant control this...whats gonna be is gonna be and theres nothing i can do but keep trying. I guess im numb to it.

Today i lounged until 3pm. Then took a shower and went up to get Jack. Cooked dinner and tried to take it easy for the remainder of the night. Tomorrow is my prog check an im hoping its in the normal range since im on 2cc of Prog. And then im back to work...UG!

Today my bbs felt somewhat heavy and sore...but that could be the Prog. Im still feeling some crampiness but nothing too noticeable.

Its gonna be a long 8 days...

Now we wait...

About 5 hours ago i became pregnant (until proven otherwise) with triplets GIRLS!!!

Dr. P called me this morning to tell me we were going to transfer:

1 hatching blast,

a blast (which i guess didnt look "great")

and a morula.

The 4th one (the boy) was also a morula. They are going to reevaluate the boy tomorrow and if it makes it to a blast they are going to freeze him.

So it wasnt an A+ transfer but my last one was and we know how that ended...

Im hopeful and staying positive. :)

Surreal!

I have done 5 cycles of IVF/PGD and the most "healthy" i have ever had was 2.

well today i got the call that i have:

FOUR!!!

I.am.in.shock.

And another crazy tid-bit is out of all my healthy embryos i have had one healthy girl and six boys...

Today i have:

3 GIRLS and 1 boy! NUTS!

So the plan is to transfer the 3 best ones. Dr. P is going to call me in the a.m. and let me know how they look and the genders around 8am. Transfer time is 950am.

Dr. P called me at 5pm and when she told me i had four my first reaction was "what am i going to do with 4?!?" lol


FINGERS CROSSED!!!!

Day 3 report

All 10 were PGD'd

today they should be 4-8 cells

i have:

4 ..8 cell
2 .. 7 cell
2 ..6 cell
1 .. 5 cell
1 .. 4 cell

Should get the PGD report tomorrow afternoon sometime...

FINGERS CROSSED!!

Day 2 report

We have 10 growing!!

9 4 cells
1 3 cells

I call tomorrow to see how many made it to PGD testing....2 more days of holding my breathe!

Fertilization Report

So out of the 20 eggs retrieved...

15 were mature!! and..

11 FERTILIZED!

This is the best we have ever gotten. I call tomorrow to see how well they are growing.

Still hoping for 3 to be healthy....yes we are going the PGD.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Egg Retrieval

It wasnt so bad...

We got there at 7am and i got called in about 720. They went through the admit stuff, Dr. F looked me over and anesthia. I got my Valium and looked at the clock very impatently for 20 minutes while they did the first ER. The Valium def helped relax me and the wrapped my arms up in warm towels. When it was time for the IV she got in on the first try (YAY!). She also gave me Zofran (anti nausea med) so i would puke on the way home (which worked). So all in all everything went well.

Really well since i got 20 EGGS!!! I couldnt believe it! Im super psyched and hoping i have 10-12 embryos make it to the growing stages and hopefully get 3 normals! I call tomorrow at 2 to find out the progress.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!!

Got my wish!

My e2 came back 2017 so they let me trigger last night at 815pm. I go in at 7:00am tomorrow. With 19 measurable follicles im hoping for a good 12 eggs.

Dr. P wont be able to do my surgery but hopefully she can do my transfer.

Jack will be at my moms for a few days so i can heal. Im gonna miss him like crazy!!

Enough already!

Still about 26 follicles (they didnt give me the less then 12 number) but all 19 are still measuring and i have 16 mature (the other 3 are 12, 13.5, and a 14.5). My doc doesnt want to trigger until i get to day 10 (today) or lead follicle of 22 (im at a 21). I requested to trigger tonight since i dont want to develop OHSS again or overcook these eggs!

waiting and seeing...

u/s#3

WOW - 26 follicles, 19 measurable, 11 mature! E2 is 1557.

This is the most ive ever gotten out of these ovaries! I have 10 on my right and 9 on my left (measurable) curious as to what happens tomorrow. My biggest is a 20.5, im pretty sure ill be at a 22 by tomorrow and we will trigger!

Hoping for three healthy!

u/s#2

My ovaries have been busy! I have 21 follicles, 13 measurable, with 4 mature. My biggest one is a 16 with 3 others btw 15 and 15.5. It seems the are all growing together which is good.

My E2 was 787 which is the higher then the previous 2 cycles.

Going back tomorrow am for another check.

FINGERS CROSSED!!

u/s #1

We got 14 follicles. None are measurable and my e2 is 326 (102, 180). Im hoping that this means ill stim longer and get a good amount of awesome quality eggs.

I go back friday for another check. Im bloated and my ovaries are really sore.

First e2 level

114!!

im happy with that since last cycle it was 76 (which is fine) but im hoping for 1-2 more mature eggs this time around. I had 7 mature last time so im hoping for a good 9 that are good quality. Im not doing acupuncture this time just cause it just "one more thing" and i just dont have the opportuity to really go since im working the next 2 days. I just really want to ignore this cycle as much as i can!

I def feel things working in there. Im hoping to get to monday for egg retrieval so i dont have to take sunday off and to get 9 days of stims in.

Im going back wed. for bloodwork and an ultrasound.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Finally Stimming..

It wasnt an easy process to get to this point! As i updated last i had 2 ovarian cysts. This past wednesday the 7th i went in for another baseline to check on them and get another e2 level. The cyst on my left side was gone but the one on my right was now measuring 3.1cm (was 2.5). SO after waiting all day to hear what they were going to do about it, i got the phone call at 4pm telling me i needed surgery to drain it.. the NEXT DAY! My e2 was 161 (down from 329).

So thursday comes and they recheck the cyst before the sugery and it is now 3.3cm...which i guess is pretty big. Ok so the surgery doesnt bother me...i dont mind the anesthia and going to sleep..its the dam IV! It took them 4-5 attempts and after the 3rd try i needed valium because i was shaking and crying. I push everything aside to just get through this all (the shots, the procudeures, the simple fact i even have to go through this, other people getting pregnant and having babies that shouldnt, the stupid comments people make, seeing my kid lonely ect., ect.) so when something doesnt go right ALL of that is lifted and i have a hard time...so i took the valium.

IV is finally in and we get down to business. They drained 30cc of fluid of the cyst which i guess is alot. I had no pain when i woke up just itchiness. So they gave me 50mg benedryl and i was ZONKED! Then my BP dropped and they had to give me a Bolus of fluid. Nothing is easy. I just wanted to go home and i think i must have said that 500 times lol.

So the next day i had to go back and get another e2 drawn. I got my period the day of the surgery so i was hopeful we'd be able to get the show on the road! My e2 was 67 so we were good to go. Today is day 3 of stims and tomorrow morning i go in for bloodowork to see how we are doing in there.

After all this i deserve a nice healthy 37 weeker(s)!! Fingers crossed!!

Cysts! UG!

I knew it! Ever since i started the Lupron 2 weeks ago ive felt like my body was trying to ovulate and ive had the stretchy fertile CM. So the baseline showed 2 cysts...one 12.5mm on the left and a 25mm on the right! So ill most likely stay on the Lupron until they dissapate on their own, which could take 1-2 weeks. Im hoping they will increase my Lupron and start me on Provera to get this going. They are going to call me in the next few hours to let me know what the deal is. I dont care how long i have to wait, i just need the end result to be POSITIVE!!!

Incompentence or Miscommunication?

So tomorrow is the big day to start everything again. Im pretty nuetral (or pushing it all away for protection reasons). I had 2 consults with Dr. P a few weeks ago because i was so undecided and feeling lost on which direction to go in (PGD or no PGD)... She basically gave me a scenerio that what if i went through the IVF and got pregnant and lost the baby and found out it was a genetic abnormality that could have been prevented, how would i feel?

That stuck with me...Pete wants the PGD and Dr P (and not so many words) thinks its the best too. I have the ability to do the testing and its paid for and it worked before so im pretty sure we are going for it again.

So 2 weeks ago i was told id get my plan in a few days (which i knew meant the week of my day 21) so this past monday i still havent heard from them so i called. Thankfully that day i got a call saying my meds were on order. So the pharmacy calls me and the Doxycycline is not ordered and neither is my Medrol. UG!

So i finally got the Doxy on order and they gave me 3 weeks worth not a months worth like she said i needed?? AND no one told me when im suppose to start it! Soooo i had to call them back AGAIN to find all that out.

Then Pete picks up the package and the phamracist says they never got back to her about the Medrol - WTH?! So i called them yesterday after to ask about the Doxy and why the Medrol wasnt in the package. This morning i had a chiro. appt so i missed the call and the nurse said "since you are NOT doing a PGD cycle we dont use Medrol"....WHAT..i was going to use the Medrol either way and i AM doing PGD...so i had to call them yet AGAIN to explain it all to them.

So i dont know if this is Dr. P's fault for not being clear or if the nurses are not reading the notes thouroughly and just going off of how things were last time. All i know is this is frustrating enough and for me to constantly be checking on everything is super annoying.

I still havent heard back from them about the Medrol or about the Doxy....

On the positive day 1 is tomorrow and hopefully a month from today ill be pretty close to having my ER for my lucky number 3 cycle!

Waiting on a plan...

Insurance/Financial people - check
Dr. - check
Appt for sonohystergram - check
waiting for the "plan" - pending

The last 2 days ive been on the phone with just about everybody over at my RE's office to get this cycle started. I had to call financial so they take petes insurance off so they dont know im doing IVF without PGD...but it was already submitted but they told me it wont hurt me if i decide not to use the PGD but i use it later on (hopefully i wont have to).

Dr. P said i could do another SHG to "ease my mind" which i feel like is going to be just fine but i feel like i have to do it to cover all my bases.

Dr. P knows im not doing PGD and i didnt get a call with her saying "are you sure???" so im guessing she understands my decision.

The coordinator called me today and said shes just waiting for Dr. P to get back to her with a plan so hopefully ill know more by the end of the week.

So honestly, im having a real hard time shaking this off. I went into this thinking "we know what worked for Jack so we'll do it again and all will be good"....this chemical pregnancy really is messig with my head!

One more pregnancy...if it ends, then i think i may be done.

NOT GIVING UP!!!

OK so its officially over...started bleeding and cramping today. Had to call out of work and spent the day on the couch with my wonderful 2 year old (again...thank god for him!)

So the consult on Wednesday...

When i first walked in she said to me "i hope this doesnt deter you"...and "i know you were really upset"...Well, obviously! When you are giving yourself 3 shots a day going in for appointments almost everyday, doing acupuncture, eating a whole pineapple, having your beloved child be away from home for 4 nights in a week, and wishing, hoping and praying every second of the day....then to hear it worked and then moments later learn its all coming crashing down?...im pretty sure ANYBODY would be upset!

So we talked about a bunch of things.

Trying on our own - we can but its not ideal. With the chance of ectopic and probably having miscarraige after miscarriage isnt my idea of a good time. So that got checked off rather quickly.

IVF/PGD - Im PISSED i had a miscarriage with the PGD and now im pretty much jaded by it. Theres a 10-15% chance of putting back in embryos that are abnormal or you are throwing out embies that are normal. You can have a miscarraige even IF your baby is normal. I had put in 7 embryos over the course of all these cycle and i have one baby. It doesnt make sense to me! I truly feel like these embies are being manipulated too much and cant "recover" enough to keep going. I feel that if i put jack in without PGD id still have him. So after much debate with myself and pete we decided no more PGD.

Just IVF - the winner. We are going to put in the best FOUR embryos on day 3....yes FOUR. Or put back all the blasts on day 5. I need to weigh those pros and cons again with her. She seemed to lean towards the day 3 transfer because they are back in thier natural enviroment sooner.

Some other changes: Going on 2cc's of Progesterone right away since my prog is always under 20 at my check. Im staying on the same dose of Follistim (180). We are doing a months worth of Doxycyline (both pete and I) since i tested + for Mycoplasma and Endometritis before i had Jack...so she said instead of doing another biopsy of my lining shes just going to treat it. And shes putting me on Medrol for 4 days after egg retrieval (it suppresses the immune system) so my immune system doesnt think the baby is a foriegn invader. And im also going to get another sonohystergram to check the lining of my uterus....again.

Whew, get all that?

I called today and told them today is my DAY 1 so in 3 weeks i should start back up with the Lupron. And Egg retrieval will be in April.

The one good thing about not doing PGD is i can hop right into another cycle instead of waiting until May. I need this to all be done and over with.

:::fingers crossed::::

Ug...

Dropped to 34. No more PIO, now i wait. I go Wed for a consult and next monday for a repeat beta.

This is not fun and im in a deep funk :(

Why?!

My beta dropped to 58...by some rare chance it could be a vanishing twin so i have to go back sunday for another beta and stay on my progesterone just for pure torture.

Im devasted but ill be OK.

Everything happens for a reason....it worked before it will work again.

Breakdown..

So maybe im jumping the gun but im pretty sure this is over...

I took another test this morning and it seems lighter to me.

Ive been holding everything in for 24 hours but i broke down this morning and started BAWLING! Poor Jack just came over to me and hugged me and stayed with me until i pulled myself together. Im crying now..

I just feel like WHAT THE FUCK! Im a good mom, a good person, a have a job, a house, a husband who is a FAB Dad....why does this have to be so hard for US??!

This is NOT FAIR!

I really hope im wrong and tomorrow they call me with a super high number.

I Guess i just have to WAIT and see.

Too good to be true?

So my beta today (15dpo) was a whooping 69...

I dot have much hope. The doctor seemed happy with it, but it was so much higher with Jack (261 @ 16dpo).

So now we wait (again) until Friday.

How can this be happening with PGD?!

It's Darker..

YAY!! Now if only my shoulder would stop bothering me! But i really do think its muscular.

So i didnt finished telling my "how i found out" post.

After i peed on the stick, Jack was in the bathroom with me and he wanted to wash his hands so i helped him do that, after we were finished i picked up the test and it was clearly positive...i whispered to Jack "im pregnant" and he just looked at me and said "yeah?". I told him to bring the test out to Gaga (daddy) and he did but he dropped it and was too concerned about which "roar" he was going to play with,lol. So i pickeditupand gave it to Pete and said..."we're gonna have another baby...theres 2 lines" He looked at it and said "yup, i see them"...we hugged i told him "Congratulations" (inside joke)....

Ikinda feelbad that i didnt jump up and down and cry and the whole bit like i did with Jack. Im still in caution mood. Im super excited though, i'll jump,scarem and cry when i walkout of the ultrasound room and everything is A-OK!!

Oh and my gut is its only one...and that its a boy (lol) :)

So I cheated...

and its POSITIVE!!!!!

im still being cautious until the betas (which isnt til wednesday anf friday). If they are doubling appropraitly then ill sigh some relief, but i wont feel 100% until the ultrasound which, most likely will be in 2 weeks or so.

We spent the day at my SIL's and when we got home i asked Pete if i should take a test tonight. He said he didnt want to be staring at the test wondering is or isnt there a line...but then he said "yeah, lets just do it"....he wasnt going to be around tomorrow and i wanted to know before tuesday b/c Jack sleeps at my moms every other tuesday and i wouldnt have wanted him gone if it was neg.

So, anyways, Jack followed me into the bathroom and i figured "why not, he'll be my lucky charm"...so i peed on it and as soon as it hit the test window i could tell it was going to be positive. Its not a dark but you can tell there is 2 lines without bending and twisting it until the light (and its only 2 days before my period and it was about 5pm)..Ill take another test tomorrow morning just to see if the line gets darker and to ease my nerves :)

So yeah, look like this worked :) THANK YOU!!!

Valentines :)

3 years ago today i heard Jack heartbeat for the very first time :)

Pete made me chocolate covered strawberries, Jack handprint in the form of a heart and i got 2 pandora charms (jacks birthstone and mother of pearl hearts). I love them <3 ...i do feel like a jerk because i only got pete reeses hearts because i didnt think we were doing anything (plus whatever i DO buy him, he returns, so forget it!)

So symptoms wise im getting pretty nervous. Today i started having some left shoulder pain (symptom of an ectopic )...im really hoping it all in my head..plus i dont even know if i am pregnant or not....if if i were wouldnt it be too early to feel that? ...

Otherwise, im pretty crampy at night...actually they really arent "cramps" its more like a sharp ache. I also am noticing im peeing alot more then usual. And my boobs are still on/off sore.

I think i may get a test today since im nervous about this shoulder pain. If i am pregnant they are going to do a ultrasoud around 5 weeks to make sure everything is where it should be.

Fingers crossed....

People are excited...

So i went back to work thursday (and this is something you basically can't hide when you need time off and your bringing in coolers with medication in it, so everyone knows). Plus, im the type of person who talks about it cause if i didnt, itd be alot harder to go through. I have patients whose families dont know they are going through it...thats just crazy to me!

Anyways i tell people how everything went, how everything was right on...and everyone gets all excited "Your gonna have TWINS!!!", or "OMG, all BOOYYYS!, How fun", or my fave is "Your preggo, yay!" ummm...no thats not how it works, i dont know if i am... YET. I know that 90% of women fortunately dont have issues/problems in this area so i have a select few who really know how much this sucks and how superstitious i am with everything.

I Love my job, i really do and i dont plan on leaving for a very long time. But, its a hard enviroment to be around in these circumstances (im a post-partum nurse)....but luckily, i ve have completely normal couples the past couples nights...no crack addicts or homeless prostitutes THANK GOD!

But mentally im doing fine. Of course im noticing EVERY twitch. Everyday its most been slight pulling more on my right side with my boobs being slightly sore, my aereolas are def darker and i have those mongomery tubucles (i totally butchered that spelling). Last night at work my hips were very uncomfortable along with my ribs and i was SO bloated i could have POPPED...i had a salad for dinner so its not like i ate crap...

So 4 more days...i went to target and Stop and shop yesterday and i didnt buy a test...theres also a Dollar Store in that plaza..talk about good self control!

How you feeling?

I love when people ask me "So, do you FEEL pregnant?"....for someone who has been pregnant 6 ttimes youd think id know...

So speaking of that ive been wicked superstitious on telling anyone my symptoms...im not even talking to Pete about anything (he's not really asking, he just knows it been past 7 days since ER...If you know what i mean lol).

But im posting symptoms here b/c i feel like this site is my personal journal reguarding this so if i have to go through this again (which im hoping is NOT the case)...i know what happened, when.

So Sunday was the transfer ...the only thing i felt that day was anxiety (what if this doesnt work?...and like i felt all the anxiety i was keeping at bay came to a head.

Monday (1dp5dt) i felt some twinges in the uterus and my bb's were sore
Tuesday (2dp5dt) some definite pulling, feeling it on the right side more then the left but the left has some activity...these twinches feels more like burning or pulling then cramping...oh one wave of nausea
Wednesday (3dp) Twinches still apparent in the morning with some sore ladies (mostly shooting pains).

Im really hoping the twinges/burning/pulling sensations is implantation. The boys were both hatching when they were transferred in so im thinking they would be adhereing to the uterus by monday....

They called me today with my prog level 16.6...which im not concerned about, it was 19 with Jack and i didnt take my Prog before i went in like last time ( it was 115 last cycle and that was a big ole negative)..ive learnt not to trust in the Prog. levels, but i have to increase my meds to 2cc's now...same thing i had to do with Jack.

Im all pineappled out but i still have about 20 pieces left...the whole core is gone though and thats the most important part...and ive been eating brazil nuts...i also did acupuncture on monday.

I did everything i could, so if this doesnt work then its just bad luck.

Transfer complete!!

We transferred 2 healthy baby boys this morning. Dr. P came in, which was so great of her! It took them a little bit to get into my cervix but it was pretty easy after that. Both boys were hatching blasts which is the best possible stage...im so psyched!!! Now they just need to implant and stick for the next 35 or so weeks!!

My beta is 2/17

Im feeling good right now. A little anxious but i think anyone would be giving the circumstances.

PGD results!!

We have 2 healthy!!!! and they are BOYS!!!! :)

Dr. P called me this morning to let me know we prob wouldnt know the results until late tonight because of the snow storm but she called me around 5pm to give me the results. Im so happy but ill be alot more relived once these little buggas are inside me!!

Transfer is 9:15am tomorrow. Hopefully both are still growing normally and all is well.

oh, do i hope this works!!

Day 3 progress

All 7 were shipped off for PGD testing.

Today they should be 4-8 cells.

we have:

1 4 cell
5 8 cells
1 10 cell

We should hear if any are healthy tomorrow night.

Cell counts

Welp folks we got 100% fertilization!! That has never happened to us before! So we now have 7 in the running and all will be shipped out for PGD testing tomorrow!

so here's the breakdown (they should be 2-4 cells right now)

1- 2 cell
5- 4 cell
1 - 5 cell

I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest when i called.

Please let this work!! :::yes, im begging:::

The Report

12 eggs, 7 able to be ICSI'd and 6 have fertilized. I told myself if we had 5 or more id be happy. So 6 is good, very good since only 7 were able to have a shot in the first place. I call again tomorrow at 2 for thier progress. Im hoping all are dividing normally! ( and that they are healthy).

Im feeling OK. Definately still sore. Ive been taking Tyl #3's and thats been helping. The first PIO shot was today and that was fine. Im so numb from all these shots i can barely feel them anymore.

Jack is back home, i missed him :)

Egg Retrieval #4

...and hopefully my last!!

We arrived at 7am on the dot and their was a line of people waiting to check in! It was us and one another couple waiting for ER. The nurse i used to work with came out and got me and i was glad i was going to have a familiar face in pre and post-op. I went in and changed into my jonnies and walked out into the hall and Dr. P was there!! She came in just to do my retrieval! LOVE HER!! The nrse told me later shes only seen her come in do that one other time for someone.

So it took 3 attempts to get the IV in and they finally found a spot in the inner aspect of my wrist..ouch! So i got wheeled in at 8am and woke about 9am and we got 12 eggs! I was hoping for 12-15 so 12 is good. Dr. P came out and said she hoped 10 or so were mature since they were in some nice big follicles. I'll find out tomorrow between 2 and 4.

Let the waiting begin...

u/s #4 and triggering

so my e2 for the 3rd check was 1374!! '

My u/s yesterday showed around 23 follicles (the nurse said there "multiple" little(r) ones under 12 - doesnt she know im anal and i NEED to know exactly what "multiple" means?! lol but anyway 14 are measurable follicles and they are ranging from 12-24mm...3 of these are not mature but should be by tomorrow am.

I triggered last night at 730pm and my retrieval is 7am tomorrow morning (im the first one). I also went to acupuncture yesterday. And my e2 was 1743 yesterday. Im bloated, drinking gatorade and so ready for the next step!!!

wish me luck!!!

Another extra day

I was shocked by this but i guess Dr. P changed he plan to me having a lead follicle measuring 22 before i trigger and im at a 21 right now so one more day..

Today i still had 23 follicles with 11 above 12mm...with 10 mature. Im very interested to see whats going to happened with 2 extra days under my belt.

forgot to ask about my e2 level, ill get it tomorrow.

Extra day :)

Because my kid is super cute im thowing in some recent pics :)

Well this is the longest i ever stimmed and im hoping it gives us more/better quality eggs. So today we are at 23 follicles....10 are 12mm and above (most are 14-18) i have one that is a 19.5. And i have 13 that are less then 12mm. It'll be interesting to see what happens tomorrow.

Dr. P doesnt want me to trigger until i have a follicle which is 20 or greater so it most likely looks like tomorrow night i will trigger and have ER on monday.

I had to take Jack with me this morning which i felt horrible about but i only saw 2 other women, i just hope it didnt make them sad. He was so good though and everyone was smitten over him :) The whole time i was getting my ultrasound he was saying "i want roar", "i want home", "i want boof (juice)"...u get the idea lol!!

Oh, my e2 was 643 today, which im happy about...hoping for around 1000 tomorrow.

Whats cooking??

Well we have 17 follicles baking. 8 are measurable with 9 around 11mm (12mm "counts"). My e2 was 180 (102) last time so we are on a better track then last cycle. I go back friday for another u/s and b/w.

I had acupuncture last night and the guy who did it was an OB! so i felt like i knew what he was doing! I still dont like the needles going in, there are some spots that are sensetive but if this is going to help, im all for it!

Bloodwork

Went in today E2 is 76 (85 last time) so im almost identical from last cycle. Hoping to get one more day in of stimming this time so i hopefully have 2 healthy embies to transfer. Going for acupuncture tomorrow and u/s and E2 check wednesday.

Stimmming!

Finally!

I got my period wednesday. I went in for my second baseline on thursday with a very heavy flow (so embarassing). When i walked in i saw an old co-worker and she was suppose to do my u/s (great!)...she politely asked if i wanted someone else to do it (yes, please). But the nurse who walked in barely talked to me (really, slap on a fake smile and do some small talk). Whatever (can u tell ive been on Lupron for 3 weeks?).

So we got the OK, my lining was a 4, i didnt ask what my E2 was but we're finally onto the next step. This is when things get going...woo0hoo!! :) So im on 5u Lupron in the a.m. and 175u of Follistim in the evening.

I go back Monday for bloodwork and Tuesday for acupuncture.

Yes, im doing acupuncture this time. I did it with my first cycle trying for Jack and it felt like just something else i had to do and it was very relaxing (i dont think the girl knew much about IVF and acu.). This guy comes highly recommended (ive taken care few pt who have used him...one who did a frozen transfer and got twins!).

Im hopeful this time...anxious too. I just really want this.

Baseline #1

So still no period, im hoping to get in this weekend if its on time since i know i O'd Saturdayish.

So here are the details...

Lining is 8.8 (needs to be 7 or below to start stims)
E2 - dont know yet
and i have 10 follicles in the ovaries

Im sticking with the 10u of Lupron and most likely going back next week once i get my period.

Here we goooooo!

Finally got the call yesterday with my dates.

Starting my Lupron 1/2

baseline 1/14

starting stims on the 15th

egg retrieval 1/24

I have a feeling i will be pushed back a bit since i dont think i O'd yet so i most likely will not have my period at my baseline (this has happened to me every cycle) My guess is ill have egg retrieval around the 28th.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! :)

The Plan

Well the dam holiday season is going to screw up my timing so now i have to wait until January to have the ER! GRRR ... but things happen for a reason so im just gonna try to keep busy until then, which should be easy since its xmas and all :)

So we went over my cycle and theres really no reason why it didnt work, just didnt so we try again. We did talk about how i stim super quick and only get in 7 days of stims so we going to lower the dosage to 175 of Follistim and hope to get an extra night in so i have a couple more mature eggs to work with....the last cycle i had 15 eggs retrieved, 9 mature and 6 fertilized, 2 stopped growing, 4 made it to PGD and we had 1 healthy. We're hoping to get 2 healthy next time.

I also asked her if she could do my ER an ET since i somewhat had a bad experiece with the other docs....Dr. R just came in and counted my follicles and barely talked to me...i said "thank you" to him afterwards and he didnt even look up at me and reply. Dr. B did my transfer and he told me a few times he wished the embryo looked better or was further along, which completely stressed me out! Which i know from experience with my patients (and friends) that nonperfect embryos can result in a pregnancy just as much as a "perfect" one. I asked about Jack and he was a pre-blast which was fragmented "up until day 3" but he was 5 cells on day 2 when most are 4 cells. So she said that when i get my period (which should be by monday) to call her and the coordinator and she will try to be around on my expected ER and ET. But its most likely not going to happen since shes only there on wednesdays. But i tried. But a little rant on that....shes most going to get crap from the director for doing my procedures, which i dont get since im HER patient and if shes around, why not? Over at the hospital its all about making the patients happy...apparently not next door...whatever.

So Lupron will start around xmas and the ER will be in mid jan. Fingers crossed!!

Im OK

How can i be sad when i have this awesome little boy. He (and Pete) keep me going. I know this works , it did before, it will again. We'll try again and hopefully that cycle will lead to pictures with 2 miraclesin them. :) Follow-up appt 11/25.

The Results...

Negative.

It sucks. Im pissed and feeling pretty defeated.

Thank God for Jack.

Gotta work today, not so sure im gonna go in. Last place i want to be.

Better luck next time.

6dp5dt

Im exetremely tired, i went to bed last night at 830 and slept til 6am and im still exhausted. I usually go to bed around midnight and up at 6-7a and im fine so getting 4+ more hours and feel like im dragging is abnormal for me! My bb's are still on/off sore sometimes they hurt so bad it feel like when i had too much milk in them when i was nursing. The bloating has subsided some but i still feel large. The cramping isnt as intense as it was but i feel it here and there at night when im relaxed and not running after a 2 year old all day :) I do get twinches throughout the day but nothing major.

I have my moments where i totally think this worked but then i have moments where i think it didnt. I havent POAS yet. I rove by Wal-Mart yesterday and i was so tempted to stop but i didnt. Im trying very hard not to do it until beta day (friday).

When i went in for my transfer Dr. B made a comment that he had hoped the embryo was "further along" in development. Well, one of my nurse managers has triplets from IVF and they told her all three embryos were very poor quality and most likely wouldnt implant....she has TRIPLETS...all took and they all went home with her, no problems. SO that makes me feel better!

So im still hoping, praying, wishing!!!

4dp5dt

bb hurt, had night sweats last night...crampy here and there.

4 more days...ug the waiting is so tough. Still hoping, praying wishing.

Last night was my first day back to work and the first report i got was a 28 yr old who has a history of cocaine abuse and the father is HIV+ and she obviously having unprotected sex wih him..wtf?? welcome back...

Halloween was so much fun!! Jack was a pirate, this was his first time he went out. He carried his pail the whole way and even when it go heavy he wouldnt let me take it from him! It was dragging in the ground but he didnt care! lol He said "tank goo" to everyone and had a blast :) I love seeing my kid happy!

Not so happy right now, he's screaming his head off b/c im putting him down for a nap. If someone would put me down for a nap right now id love them forever!

2dp5dt

Im going to chronicle symptoms so that way i know whats happening. My bb are starting to get sore..and im still tired.i

"Petri" is in!!

At 1000 yesterday we transferred a healthy boy into my uterus!!! He was a pre-blast which is i guess better then a morula but not as great as a blastocyst. But the doc was happy with his development so fingers are crossed!!

The transfer went well. Dr. P called me beforehand to tell me about his development, that was nice of her. Dr. B did the transfer and got right into my cervix with no problems. The nurses were great and i was outta there by 11. Pete and i went out to lunch and i came back and napped and watched movies. Last night we also went out to dinner at a really nice resturan. It was good to get out and get my mind off of things. Today i went shopping for xmas and for my nieces 3rd bday. I needed to get out of this house. I walked around real carefully and took care of my movements, people watching me must have thought i was crazy lol. After shopping, i went up to my moms and got Jack. Now everyone is home and things are back to normal.

i felt pretty crampy yesterday and alittle bit today, i seem more hungry then usual too. But it prob all in my head.

I got my progesterone drawn today and it was 115!! It was 19 with Jack!

I go next friday the 6th for my beta...im hoping it nice and high!!

One Healthy!!! :)))

Finally got the call at 545 that we have one healthy little BOY!!!! :))

One arrested in growth, one had Trisomy 16 and 2 others had Complex Abnormalities.

Im going in tomorrow at 940am for the transfer.

Keep the positive thoughts coming!!

5 in the running

Our late bloomer didnt progress past 2 cells so 5 got shipped off this morning for the PGD testing.
there were:
2 8 cell
1 7 cell
1 6 cell
1 4cell

I call again tomorrow btw 2-4 to get my tentative transfer time. Dr. P will call me as soon as she hears if there are any healthy ones. This is going to be one long day....

Im feeling better today. Still sore but manageable. Ive had 3 PIO shots so far and so far it hasnt been bad. I hope to be getting thme for the next 10 weeks :)

A Late Bloomer :)

So we now have 6 in the running. I had Pete call cause i was too nervous. They didnt give us the cell counts just that we have 6 and will be sent out tomorrow for the PGD. It only takes one!

fertilization report

out of the 15 eggs, 9 were mature...5 have fertilized. I cant be upset b/c at least some fertilized. We call tomorrow at 2 to find out how many are growing. It only takes one.

Egg Retrieval

It wasnt that bad. Im feeling pretty out of it though. The 2 nurses that were with me today were really great. One of them is actually the girl who told me all about PGD, i took care of her 3 years ago when she had her daughter! How crazy is that?! The the other one was a nursing student a few years back that i had shadow me a few times. So weird, but def. glad to have known someone.

So i got there at 7am and got all dolled up with my OR cap and jonny. Got asked a bunch of questions. The anesthiologist was great and got my IV in without any pain AND on the first attempt!I got wheeled in arounf 740a. I remember looking up at the ceiling and seeing the light start spinning and the the nurse putting my feet up in stirrups and hen next thing i know they are waking me up.

So we got 15 eggs!! Im super psyched with that number. Its the same amount i got with my other 2 cycles and im hoping to get 2 healthy out of the bunch again.

I felt great after the retrieval just minimal pain. I got 4 mg of Morphine which helped. We left at 940a. I got really nauseous on the way home and threw up into a dog bone box! But after i threw up i felt better. Pete made me some pancakes a lil after we got home and ive been in and out since. He just left to go get jack and then he's going to his parents for the rest of the afternoon so i can rest.

Tomorrow we'll get the fertilization report around noon time. I hope we have some healthy babes growing :))

Jacks 2 year appt.

If your looking for an IVF update scroll down.

Pete and I took Jack to his 2 year well visit this week. He's 25.8 pounds and 34 1/2 inches! He shoot up from the 10th percentile in both areas to 25th and 50th respectively! He grew 4 inches and gained 4 1/2 pounds in 6 months!

He recieved the flu vaccine and the Hib. He also had to get his blood drawn. All of that was awful. I couldnt take off his band-aids for 2 days cause he'd freak if i touched his legs! poor thing...

His speech is very garbled when he tries to say a sentence so Dr. S said she'd sent out early intervention. Im pretty sure he's just fine. He stared saying UT-OH, thank you (well his version), done and his other words are becomng more understandable in just the past few days.

Here we go!!

Ive been waiting 4 months for this and here it is!

At todays check I had 22 follicles. 15 measurable and 9 mature, 7 less then 12. So im hoping for 10-15 eggs. My e2 level shot up to 1155!! I was only 102, 3 days ago! Things are very similar to jacks cycle so im hoping thats a good sign. The e2 reflects how many maure eggs you have. For every mature egg you get a reading between 100-200. So with a level of only 100 a few days ago, this is major improvement!

Symptoms wise im extremely bloated and look about 4 months preggo. Im getting inermintent headaches and my bbs are sore.

So im triggering tonight at 730pm and the surgery is scheduled for 7am Saturday. My mom is taking Jack overnight friday. Pete and I are gonna go out for a nice dinner and see a movie. My mom has a wedding saturday night so pete will pick him up saturday afternoon. This will hopefully give me enough time to rest.

Please send us some good luck!! :)

check #2

Now i have 17 follicles cooking and my E2 shot up to 550 (or 515, i couldnt understand what the nurse said)...not great but better. I know most dont have any clue what that means but i make a note of it for my personal use :)

The follicles are ranging from 12mm to 19. I have 6 that are "mature" and 6 that are under 12.

So it looks like Saturday is most likely going to be the retrieval! Im hoping to get 10 eggs. I got 15 my last 2 cycles but i had 22 follicles the first time and 25 with Jack.

It only takes one :)

U/S #1

So heres whats cooking. I have 9 measurable follicles and 7 that are super close. I have 4 that are "mature". It looks like im stimming like jacks cycle. Im really hoping to make it a day or 2 longer so we can get more eggs. They are going to call me this afternoon to tell me the plan.

Edited to say: Sticking to the same plan. My e2 is only 102. Which doesnt make sense with 4 mature follicles, i should have at least doubled to 160. So now im scared this isnt going to work out. I go back tomorrow at 7am for another u/s and b/w.

first E2 level.

This is the part of the cycle where things start to ge interesting!!

I went today for my E2 level. This is the estrogen level. Each mature follicle ( where he egg grows) secretes estrogen, each mature follicle gives a level of 200.

Today im at 85. Which is good. Im not "stimming" too quickly like i did my first 2 times. Im hoping to make it to 9 days of stims which would land me for ER on Monday. I only did 7 days with my firts cycle and jacks....average is about 10 days. If you stim too quickly your ovaries get filled with too much fluid which can lead to water surrounding your lungs (which is NOT fun, happened to me with my first cycle).

I go back Tuesday for an u/s and bloodwork. Im feeling good. I can feel the ovaries working and im slighly bloated but so far, so good :)

Why IVF and what is PGD?

I know alot of you are new readers and dont know much about my history. So im going to try and explain it as simply as i can.

I can get pregnant on my own very easily. Pete and i got pregnant on our own within 1-2 months everytime we tried. Thats not my problem. I dont do IVF to get pregnant, i do it for the PGD so i can STAY pregnant.

PGD is Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis. It basically is a super expensive test to test our embryos to make sure they are healthy before we "transfer" them back in. You hear alot about it on GMA and the Today show when people want to choose genders for their kids or eye color, blah, blah. I get so upset over those stories because its a test that really helps people.

With 4 unexplained losses the doctors couldnt find a reason why i couldnt hold onto a pregnancy. So we do the PGD to make sure we have a healthy baby in there (since most miscarriages are due to genetic problems) and i also do Lovenox injections to help with blood flow to the uterus to help the baby thrive.

The road to number 2!

So last New Years we found out i was pregnant. I got on the Lovenox and went in for a beta right away. The beta was low, 32 and then 48 hours later it was 32 again. So i knew something wasnt right. But then the betas rose appropriately. I felt fine so i tried to remain positive. But one night after dinner i started cramping and went to bed early. I woke up with the worst pain. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the ribs on the right side. I took some tylenol pm to help me go back to bed but the pain continued.. Then i had a gush of blood. Pete was awake with me and i knew we had to go to the hospital. Long story it was a ruptured ectopic and i lost the right tube, i was 6.6 wks. Recovery was awful and much worse then my section with jack. I went back to work 3 weeks later ( i work on a postpartum unit in the same hospital i had the surgery). I have to walk through Triage to get to the elevators, i had a panic attacks for the first 2 weeks back, i would cry and needed someone to walk with me up to the floor. It would take me an hour to pull myself together before i could see pts. Going through something like this is very difficult when you need to be around new moms and babies for 8 hours,in the the same hospital where you lost your baby. And taking care of assholes who do drugs or trashy people who just dont give a damn, gets to you. So it was hard. I started to see a counselor in feb and went on zoloft. It helped. I wasnt ready to try again for quite awhile, i needed to work on myself. So i focused on me and jack, lost 15 pounds and just had the summer to go on family trips and hang out with my miracle.

In June we went to a wedding on the Cape and spent the weekend there. This is the weekend we decided we'd go back to Dr. P and see what she had to say about our options. I called that monday and they had an appt available that coming Wed! I wasnt ready for it to be THAT soon! So we went in mid July. She basically told us our best bet would be to do the IVF/ PGD again. She also gave us the great news that the PGD would most likely be covered (it is, and thats 5000 dollars we thought we'd have to pay!!). Pete and i did all the tests and bloodwork and were ready to go in sept. The Egg retrieval was going to fall on Jacks birthday party weekend so we postponed it to this month.

So here we are...

IVF is a 4 part process.

Part one...suppression. I started this on Sept. 30. I take 10 units of Lupron every morning, its an injection that goes into my stomach. This take about 2 weeks. My period was 5 days late. I was very uncomfortable. I went in for my baseline on Oct 13th but my lining was still to thick so i had to go back once my period decided to show, which it did the next day (thank goodness!). So i went back on thursday 10/15, my lining went from 9 to 5.6 (needs to be under 7) so things were good to go.

Part two...stimulation. I started 200u of Follistim last night (another injection in the stomach). Im also still in the Lupron but its decreased to 5 u, i do that one in the morning. The Follistim, stimulates the follicles to grow. The follicles contain the eggs. The Lupron is still given so you dont ovulate while your follicles are growing. I go in this Sunday for bloodwork to make sure im not stimulating to quickly. I hyperstimmed my first cycle so we dont want that to happen again.

Part three...egg retrieval (ER). Prob around 10/25ish

Part 3.5.. PGD analysis...see which embryos are healthy (3 days after ER)., then embryo transfer (happens 5 days after egg retrieval).

Part 4..then we wait...

Jacks 2!!

Jack turned 2 on september 19th. We had a construction party theme. My neighbor and good friend, Tracey made an awesome dirt cake which was put into the back of a toy dump truck. I put oatmeal into a sandbox and put all of jack Wheel Pals in there with shovels such and i put drawing paper over 2 coffee tables and cut out little dump trucks for the kids to color. About 40 people and 10 kids came. It was chaos (since the party got moved into the house since it rained) but it was a great time :)

Jack is so much fun and everyday im so thankful for him. He's starting to talk more and more. Right now hes banging on the windown saying "HIIIIII" to the garbage truck. He says about 25 words and 2-3 word sentences. "Pop, Plllllllleasse" is his favorite lol. He loves cars, coloring, blues clues, jacks big music show, dora, the moose from nick jr., music (dancing!). I take him to Tumbles once a week for an art class which he loved but he's sick of it so we are going back to the regular gym class. His favorite is sliding down the slide and the obstacle courses, along with the zip line. He also loves being outside and going for walks around the neighborhood. He calls is juice his "boof". He loves to jump, give hugs, he hands you everything and if he's playing you have to do it with him. He's a good sharer and is constantly handing me his toys. The dogs are great with him. He bounces all over Nala and she could care less. Sadie more or less ignores him, lol. He's not very good at eating, but loves fruit, yogurt, french fries, hot dogs, and pizza..ohh and his pops! I buy those go gurt yogurts and freeze them :) Hes very social and is always saying "Hiiii" to people. He loves talking on the phone too. he just figured out how to undress himslef so thats been interesting! He naps in the morning 10-12 and sleeps from 8p-7a.

He's a great kid :) <3

Im still working 3-11, 24 hours a week. Its good hours since i dont miss too muc while im gone. My mother, FIL and Tracey watch him when im not here. Next sept im going to look into a preschool type program for him for 2 or so days a week.

a very long overdue update!

Jack is doing very well. He is 16 months and such a riot! He's been walking since Sept 1st and i was the one who saw it! He says mommom, daddee, doggy,hewwo, nana (banana), dat (that). He loves to climb all over everything and is a very social baby, he loves everyone. His favorite shows are lomax, elmo and barney. He sleeps from 7pm to 5am then naps btw 8am-10pm to 10-12, then takes a small nap in the afternoon if im lucky.

Things have been going well. I weaned him completely on dec 19 and i believe i got pregnant that night. I found out on new years. But my betas were 32 and then 32 again 48 hours later. I knew from the start it wasnt going to end well. but then my betas starting rising appropriately. Everything was going well until 1/20. To make a very long story short i ended up with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and had emergency surgery. I lost my right tube. Im pretty devastated and was hoping for a "normal" pregnancy. My OB basically told me to stick to ivf since that was my only successful pregnancy out of the 6 i've had.

So we are going to wait until Jack is 2 and try for another.