Hope?

So my CD 10 ultrasound wasnt so exciting. I had 2 follicles, on eon each side, both measuring 12mm. Last time i had 2 also but were much bigger at 24mm and 17mm. My e2 was also only 76 (343 last time). So i go back Monday for another u/s to make sure these follies keep growing. I def wont be O'ing on CD 13 though. Im guessing more like 16ish. We'll see. Also my stripe was only 5.7, which is pretty sucky but it has time to thicken so im hopeful monday will bring better results. If this month doesnt work out im going to ask to go on Follistim next cycle.

So tonight at work (im a postpartum nurse....yes one of the worst professions while going through this hell but i seriously love my job - most days). So anyway, i had a pt who had twins after 6 miscarriages and doing IVF/pgd..it took her 5 cycles to get these babies. She also had a son the same age as jack and had a ectopic where to lost her right tube, just like me...crazy! But talking to her tonight gave me hope. I know my own story gives me hope too but sometimes its nice to know your not alone.

For the first time in months ive felt like this may actually happen again! :)

Day 1

Day 1 ....i think im becoming a very agitated RPL'er....about time right?

Im sick of day 1's.. and 3's and 10-14's and day 21's and days 10-14dpo. Im hating them all because they are my countdown and everyday i have to know what "DAY" it is. And as long as i have to know the DAY then that means im still stuck in this HELL!

Im becoming SO. OVER. IT!

I wrote to the SIRM message boards this week to see what their opinion is. And they think i need to test for Natural killer cell activitiy and DQ alpha antigen (basically saying pete and I's DNA are too "alike" and my body doesnt "get it" that it s a baby)...So should i spend hundreds of dollars to get these tests done? IDK. If they come up negative ill go on intralipids to help suppress my immune system but if this IS my problem HOW DID I HAVE JACK?! UG!!! Plus i really dont want to do IVF again but they only like to do IVF in conjuntion with treatment since you know your putting in healthy babes (yes id do PGD again)....BUT this is a out of network faciltiy which means id have to pay 80% of the IVF and the PGD wont be covered at all most likely. So thats WAY too much money on a gamble.

Plus im on the prednisone now and that supresses the immune system. I feel like i need to give this treatment plan a "go" before i move onto experimental treatments.

This is what is in my head these days...

How many does it take?

I must have taken 10 tests in 2 days and all are negative!! GRRR.

I was really hoping this was going to work on the first try on our own. My period is due tomorrow so in 2 weeks or so we'll just try again.

TRY AGAIN.

UG! Ive been really scared that this is just not going to happen. I try to talk to Pete about it and tell him my concerns that we may just NOT have a 2nd baby...and it makes me really sad :( But he is still positive. I just dont get how i did this just 2 years ago and my body is just not getting the memo.

I know i have a good life and that makes me feel stupid for wanting this but, its always been my dream to be a mom. Everytime Jack hugs me or says "i Lub you" i melt and im so sad this may be my only time i get to enjoy this with a little one. I know im lucky to even experience this. But i always wanted a big family.

I just want this to happen.

A Negative Test at 11dpo

Im so mad at myself that i tested this early because i know full well i could still be pregnant but no, ive been kinda mopey all day b/c of it. Hoping tomorrow i get a good 2nd line.

I havent tested this early since trying on my own 5 years ago. With all my IVF cycles i waited until day of beta. STUPID STUPID.

I have some symptoms...My nipples are going crazy with mong. tubucles (which is usually my tip-off), im extremely bloated, super hungry after i just ate and unbearably cranky.

Hoping this negative test is nonsense!!

The jist so far.

So im currently 7dpo which means a little baby should be implanting right about now. It's weird not to be couped up on the couch and enjoying a fabulous 4th of july weekend! I also missed no work due to IVF and between me and you, being able to "try" with my hubby was quite nice! :)

As far as symptoms, who really knows, nothing too crazy...just the normal twinches and pains.

All the shots have been fine.

I got my prog checked today 49.10! Thats the best ive ever had! My ovaries obviously like me better when i O on my own!! So i started 5mg Prednisone today. Im hoping that makes all the difference in the world!

Here we go....again!

Here's some pics from our recent vaca to N. Conway, NH. I love this kid :) We went to the waterslides today for the first time and the giggle he did the whole way down each time (which was at least 50 times) makes all this bullshit worth while....i get a pretty awesome prize at the end.

So here is the long awaited update. I got my period on 6/16... did 100mg of Clomid 3-7 went in for my HSG on thursday 6/24 (all clear, and it wasnt too bad..got alittle dizzy when they put in the ballon and everyone kept saying "you ok, you ok"...made me nervous but it was fine.) Then friday on day 10 i went in for follie check and i had 2 follies on my left side (same side i have my tube YAY!) and they measured 15.5 and 23.5 so ill most likely release both. My e2 was 353.

Ive been taking OPK's every 4 hours the past 2 days and got a + last night (sun) and this morning (mon). Pete and i got to business on Friday night, sunday morning and this morning im gonna try to get one more time out of him and then we wait. I know ill O today since im bloated and have pain on my left side...so if we get to one more time either tonight or tomorrow am then we did all we can do.

I start my medrol, heparin and progesterone in 3 days. I go in for my prog check next monday. Then ill start Prednisone until a baby with a heartbeat is detected.

I will get pregnant its just will it work with this protocol? Hoping so....

The Plan

So after i vented yesterday i realized i hadnt updated to give my next plan and what happened after that ultrasound. You can pretty much guess it was all over very shortly after that. I started bleeding on 5/17. The doctor wants me to wait a month to give my body a bit of a break (or maybe my sanity). So here i sit waiting for my period. I dont even know if i ovulated yet....ug!

Once i get my period i call and get 100mg of Clomid and schedule a HSG to check my lone tube (i have never had this test before). The rationale was i get pregnant so why check it but with 1 ectopic and one suspected ectopic they want to make sure everything looks good. The clomid will also help me ovulate on my one "good" side each month too.

Im staying on my 4mg Folic Acid, BA, Vitamin E, PNV and im guessing Lovenox (im going to ask for heparin since thats what i was on with Jack, even though i know its the same thing, im superstitious.)

Our major change (besides having sex rather then getting poked and prodded) is starting prednisone (medrol) after ovulation and staying on it until we see a baby with a heartbeat then weaning off of it....so itll probebly be until week 10 or so.

I do have a +ANA antibody so this, BA and heparin will most likely work ( it better!).

So youll hear from me once my period finally decides to show!

Sick.of.it.

I feel like screaming!! Everywhere i turn someone is knocked up! This past week we went to Storyland with Jack and i saw all over the place women pregnant with their 2-3 yr old with them...and there i was just FAT since i stress/pity eat (which im going on WW monday). But im seriously getting SICK OF THIS!! This was NOT suppose to be this hard this time around WTF!!! It is a year ago this month we decided to have another baby and hear iam still going through this hell! I felt desperate to have Jack and i havent felt that way this time around until this past week.

Im breaking down, i just want to complete my family, feel whole and be D-o-N-E with this!

Im happy for everyone that is preganant, believe me. But it starts to get disheartening when people email you and need advice on how to cope with trying or going through a miscarraige and one after another they get pregnant again and have healthy babies while your still sitting here trying, coping, wishing, praying, crying and living a life that doesnt feel complete. I love what i have and i am TRULY greateful but, im having a moment and im pissed!

I just want another baby and everyone with their baby bumps, sonograms pictures, and pregnancy announcements can go suck an egg!

Rollarcoaster ride.

UG! So we went in for my u/s this afternoon and we saw the 3 sacs right away. The yolk sac is still in baby A and B and C are empty and looked "small". She didnt sem to give those 2 much hope. She spent alot of time on sac A and measuring it but i could tell she wasnt very hopeful.

Im only 5w1d so she said she wants to give it another couple days and see what happens. MY beta was only 53. I do feel crampy today so who knows. But it wasnt very promising AT ALL.

So we talked alittle bit about a plan. Im done with IVF. I cant do it anymore esp if im getting the same results with the IVF. So Pete and i are just going to have fun and let nature take its course. Ill get a HSG just to check my other tube and then stay on the Baby asprin and go on Progesterone supplements to be safe. MIGHT do clomid but not sure.

Im very sad but i know it will work again at some point. I need to live my life and not let this be such a big part of it.

Wasnt expecting this!!

Ok so i got the call today that my beta dropped to 103 and was told to stop all meds. The nurse asked how i was feeling and i told her i was really dizzy (which ive had for a good 4 days), and i had some slight shoulder pain which i knew was just muscular. She told me i needed to go to the hospital and have a quick u/s to make sure it wasnt another ectopic....UG!

Thankfully i had my mom with me and Tracey took Jack. We get to the hospital and they do the ultrasound and the tech is seriously in my vagina for 45 minutes! I could tell she was looking at something very intently. It was driving me CRAZY. I tried and tried to ask her what she was seeing but, no response. I was even trying to look in her glasses to see the reflection of the screen, lol.
My legs started shaking so my mom came over and held one of the them. And she said i see black holes and i told her its probably my follicles on my ovaries....well after the tech was done i pee'd and came back in. I saw on the screen:

Baby A 4w6d
baby B 4w5d
baby c...i dont know i was in shock!

I said to my mom (and pete, he came in the last 5 minutes). "Why does it say baby a,b,c ?!" and my mom said "she kept going back to FETUS C".....WHAT?!? So we all sat there for 10 or so minutes trying to figure out what is going on. The tech came back in and said to get dressed and shes calling the ER....the ER?!? WHY!? So i thought i had another ectopic and i was going to get the tube out. The next thing i know the radiologist comes in and gives me Dr. P's private cell number and tells me to call her as soon as i get reception...ummm ok.

So we walk outside and i put her on speakerphone and she says:

"well torri, they found 3 sacs in your uterus all measuring 2 days within gestational age!" "One even has a yolk sac in it." "Your betas must be so high they are not reading correctly" "Im going to call the lab and get them redrawn..."

Ok so mind you my beta number is only 103! NOTHING should be seen on ultrasound nevermind 3 sacs!!!

Im a freaking mystery!

I go back wed for another beta level and an ultrasound at 1:30 and im trying like heck to find someone to work for me.

I am in SHOCK!

Lost...

Lonely, defeated, scared, upset, mad, pissed, hopeful...hopeless,confused, guilty, let-down...

I could go on but im sure you get the idea. I. am. so. sad.

WHY? Im so confused. How did this work with Jack and not now?

Thank GOD for Jack. Seriously.

I just want to get away from all this, away for a few days, clear my head feel happiness and strength...so i can do this again.

AGAIN...UG! Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit, but not having a second babe makes me so sad. Im a GOOD MOM. I deserve babies, a whole bunch of them. I do not feel complete.

So what do i do? My only option is to keep trying. Adoption, Surrocacy...options but not covered by insurance...

Im sad. So very sad :(

7

Number only went up to 148...

loss #7...

going monday to check to see whats happening.

I dont know how much more i can take :**(

OneHundredTwentyOne

121!!

I was going to be happy with anything over 100, so im happy. I go back friday for another draw and hoping it doubled.

PLEASE KEEP GROWING BABY!!! :)

I took a digital this morning at 545 after a very fitful nights rest. I went downstairs and told pete i was super nervous so he came up and sat next to me while i pee'd on the stick. We both watched the hourglass blink and within 45 seconds it said PREGNANT. My heart was beating so fast i had to sit down and take deep breathes.

One hurdle down, a whole bunch to go...hopfully about 33 weeks worth :)

Tomorrow is the day!

and i havent cheated!!

Period is due today, nothing, but im on the prog so thats probably why.

So lets see if i can remember my symptoms

Sunday 7dp5dt - not as bloated but def felt nausea at work...cramping was minimal, very gassy (burpy)...i feel gross after i eat.

Monday - same, bloated, on off bobby pains, tired..took afternoon nap

Tuesday - right and left sided ligament pulls, super nausea, booby pains

Pete bought a digital test a few days ago, so ill be taking that tomorrow morning before my beta...just ike i did with Jack.

Starting to get nervous that this didnt work...

FINGERS CROSSED!!

6dp5dt..and Jack :)

So im so bloated i look like im 5 months preggo. I dont know if its OHSS or the progesterone. All i know is im uncomfortable. I can breathe just fine so i know if it is OHSS its not severe. My "cramping" has been minimal the last fwe days, last night i felt some burning in my uterus, which was odd. My bbs are also the same....heres some TMI (but this is my dairy and i need to document everything)..my nips seem darker and my Montgomery tuberclues are bigger...i analyze everything lol. My shoulder hurts (again and this is irritating me cause i hope it doesnt meaan the pregnancy is in the tube.) My smell also seems a bit stronger.

Jack...
He had his 2 1/2 yr appt last week. He is now 27.6 pounds and 35 inches (both 25th percentile). He talking like crazy now. This past week everyday he is saying like 3 new words a day. He will repeat everything we say, which is so fun to watch. He even says "i love you" now! We started potty training about a week ago and he is doing very well. We've def had some accidents but for the most part i go through 1 maybe 2 pull ups a day. We went to the circus yesterday an he flipped out!! I think it was way too much stimulation for the little guybut i bought him a pop an he was fine after that (of course lol). We've also tried the Drive-Ins to see "how to train a dragon" which he was so excited about but by the time the movie started it was his bedtime and he just kept saying "i want to go hooomme!"...He is super into dinosaurs and dragons. He is sucha love and i cant imagine my life with this little guy!!

The update..(4dp5t)

Yesterday i felt some good cramping while at work and my bbs are not constantly sore but ill get waves of soreness...my bbs never really hurt with jack either.

Today same thing about the boobs and some slight twinching...sometimes is more like a period like crampiness...like it deep inside and im about to start a flow any second which is associate with a slight ache in my back.

Im exhausted today but that could be from the progesterone and the fact i just worked 2 days in a row and my kid has ecided not to sleep anymore.

Also had some nausea today...who knows...

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Nothing really happening..

Ok i know its only been 3 days since my transfer but i think implanatation should have happened yesterday...so im hoping ill start feeling something...soon.

Im def. bloated, i got some booby pains but nothing major and im concentrating so hard on my uterus i dont know if the slight twinges are actually my imagination. Yesterday i had a pretty queasy belly but i think its too soon for that to be a "real" symptom.

UG!! Please let this work.

On a good note my Progesterone was actually high enough at 36.6!

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

and the obsession begins...

OK ive said before im superstitious about verbalizing my symptoms and how im feeling out loud and i use this blog as my outlet.

So the transfer was yesterday and on the way to drop Jack off at my moms', the poor things threw up all over himself and Petes car :( We had to pull over on the side of the road and do a full out wardrobe change in the rain! Jack seemed fine and was singing "rwan rwan go a way" lol. He was fine the rest of the day.

Anyways we get there and we wait for a good half hour and i seriously thought my bladder was going to burst, i could literally feel my bladder pulsate it was so full (and i even emptied a bit 3 times). The girl next to us fianlly came out of the transfer room and i heard her say she felt the valium kick in, so i knew she had a tough time, poor thing. I dont care about the transfer the egg retrieval is much more stressful for me since it entails an IV.

So i go into the room and Dr. B was there (he did my transfer in oct.) I knew he was going to say negative things about my embryos and he did. My hatching blast looked "excellent" but my blast "wasnt great" and my 3rd was "just a morula". But i dont care. My last transfer was of 2 "excellent" hatching blasts and it didnt work so what going to stick is going to stick no matter what.

It was the fastest tranfer. ever. I layed down the put the catheter right in, grabbed the embryos, checked my name and DOB, pointed to the screen and in they went. It took maybe 2 minutes.

I rested that whole day and even took a good 2 hour nap - which was needed since Jack was up all night with nightmares ( i know, poor thing!). I def felt crampy the day of the transfer. I also felt pretty calm. Ive accpeted i cant control this...whats gonna be is gonna be and theres nothing i can do but keep trying. I guess im numb to it.

Today i lounged until 3pm. Then took a shower and went up to get Jack. Cooked dinner and tried to take it easy for the remainder of the night. Tomorrow is my prog check an im hoping its in the normal range since im on 2cc of Prog. And then im back to work...UG!

Today my bbs felt somewhat heavy and sore...but that could be the Prog. Im still feeling some crampiness but nothing too noticeable.

Its gonna be a long 8 days...

Now we wait...

About 5 hours ago i became pregnant (until proven otherwise) with triplets GIRLS!!!

Dr. P called me this morning to tell me we were going to transfer:

1 hatching blast,

a blast (which i guess didnt look "great")

and a morula.

The 4th one (the boy) was also a morula. They are going to reevaluate the boy tomorrow and if it makes it to a blast they are going to freeze him.

So it wasnt an A+ transfer but my last one was and we know how that ended...

Im hopeful and staying positive. :)

Surreal!

I have done 5 cycles of IVF/PGD and the most "healthy" i have ever had was 2.

well today i got the call that i have:

FOUR!!!

I.am.in.shock.

And another crazy tid-bit is out of all my healthy embryos i have had one healthy girl and six boys...

Today i have:

3 GIRLS and 1 boy! NUTS!

So the plan is to transfer the 3 best ones. Dr. P is going to call me in the a.m. and let me know how they look and the genders around 8am. Transfer time is 950am.

Dr. P called me at 5pm and when she told me i had four my first reaction was "what am i going to do with 4?!?" lol


FINGERS CROSSED!!!!