Cycle delayed...

I had my baseline 2 days ago..everything looked fine besides the fact i STILL havent had my period! GRRR. My estrogen was too high to start stims.

So i have to call when it decides to show...

Hopefully soon.

Side Effects...

OMG i am so PMSing!! I am so bloated and cramping with an on again off again backache! I am also feeling like a superbitch and i NEED chocolate, but theres none in the house!!

I have never taken Provera to induce a period so all of this just SUCKS!

The Lupron is fortunately treating me well (unless what im feeling is b/c of the lupron too). I have no night sweats this time.

My baseline is 4 days away, im just hoping i get my period before then (and before i explode).

What a differnce a cycle makes...

Last cycle i would count down the days, hours, minutes until the next step would occur. i would stress over how many times i could make it to acupuncture, analyze every move i made.

Not this time.

Im RELAXING, taking it one day at a time and just hoping for the best. I wake up when i wake up and take my Lupron and all my other pills and supplements and then i just go about my day.

Last cycle i had nightmare about my first Lupron injections. This time i woke up a half hour LATE to take it and just did it without blinking instead of going "1...2....i cant do it....1...2....nope".

So lets hope this attitude gives a whole new outcome as well....

Here we Go!!

found out my first IVF/PGD cycle failed on 11/26, now just about 3 weeks later im starting my 2nd cycle!!

I got my plan today and my new RE is doing things quite differently than my last.

Im starting Provera tomorrow
NO BCP's!!!! (was on them for 3 weeks last time)
Lupron 10u 12/17
baseline 12/27 ( was on Lupron for 15 days before baseline last time)
Stims 12/28 (200u Follistim, instead of 225)
Heparin starting day 4 of stims (was on Lovenox starting day of ET before)
Est ER 1/7 (shes guessing 9 days of stims - i had 7 last time)
PIO to starting day of ER (was on 600mg of supps last time.)
PGD day 3, transfer day 5.

I CANNOT believe this is happening again so soon!!

Surprising Cycle Review

Surprising b/c since i developed OHSS i was expecting to hear "you need to wait 3 months to start again." But instead i heard:

"Lets start the Lupron early next week and do the ER mid januray!"

I was shocked!!!

So heres the breakdown on what we're doing next cycle:

* Start with 200u of Follistim, instead if 225u to try to prevent OHSS
* Start Heparin day 4 of stims (she thinks i have a clotting d/o thats not found yet and since im @ increased risk of OHSS - which can lead to thrombolis...so we're starting it sooner.)
* She believes the OHSS was a factor why i did not become pregnant, but cant say for sure
* My 2 healthy boys did extremely well after going through the PGD so shes hopeful.
* She said that my ratio for normal vs. abnormal shows we should have healthy ones the next time around.
*PIO (progesterone in oil, an IM shot) instead of the supps.
*She said I WILL get pregnant, its just a matter of WHEN.

Overall, im extremely happy with the outcome. I have a fantastic doctor (i love her) and we found the reason for the m/c's. She is very proactive to achive a healthy pregnany (whereas my last RE i felt like i was fighting for him to help me.)

I cant wait to start the Lupron and get this next cycle underway!!!!

Also, mentally im doing ALOT better. Im feeling ALOT of hope with the next cycle and im trying to hold onto that. When i start to feel OK about things i automatically think negatively to protect myself. But who am i thinking? Im going to be upset if it doesnt work this next time if i protect myself or not! So im trying to remain as positive as possible!!

So here we go again!!! YAY!

The Aftermath...

Well the cycle failing def. feels like a m/c, even though im so relieved it wasnt one. There was so many factors leading up to this that i just really wanted it to work and when it didnt, i was (am) devasted :(

I try to be upbeat and remain postive but sometimes its hard. I try not to think about what things "might" have been. I could have a 6 month old right now, or be 34 weeks preggo, or 22 weeks, and now almost 6 weeks and waiting for my first u/s wondering if both stuck. But NOPE, im still sitting here wishing, hoping, and WAITING!!

But, then i go back a year and we had NO IDEA what was wrong or where to go next. A year later, 2 m/c's and one failed IVF i feel we may be getting closer. Each day brings me closer to having a family. Thats the only thought that keeps me going.

Mentally, i am feeling better. Work was a bitch to go back to. Ive been hiding in the nursery b/c i CANNOT take care of patients. If ANYONE asks me if i have kids, or if im pregnant (thank you scrub tops) i think ill have a nervous breakdown. So ive been taking care of the babies withdrawing from methadone/crack/herion ect. or the kiddos whose mothers are prostitutes who are hitting the streets and not terminating their rights so these poor babies are going to be in fostercare their whole lives! So frustrating! But they dont talk, so im good!

On the other hand, i admitted a baby the other day with severe complications and shouldnt have made it and i was actually thankful for my m/c's...weird, but its a way to cope i guess.

People have been great and very supportive. Im still in shock it didnt work. Pete says "Bitter ppl stay in the past, so lets move on." Well i see what hes saying, but i AM bitter right now. I cant help it. Im giving myself until the 12th to be pissed then its time to move forward.

Im very anxious to hear what Dr. P has to say. I may need to wait a few cycles b/c of the OHSS but i am hoping things are clear and we can start the BCPs around xmas.

I know things happen for a reason but im sick and tired of this. I want my life back. I just want a family. Why is that so hard?