Well the cycle failing def. feels like a m/c, even though im so relieved it wasnt one. There was so many factors leading up to this that i just really wanted it to work and when it didnt, i was (am) devasted :(
I try to be upbeat and remain postive but sometimes its hard. I try not to think about what things "might" have been. I could have a 6 month old right now, or be 34 weeks preggo, or 22 weeks, and now almost 6 weeks and waiting for my first u/s wondering if both stuck. But NOPE, im still sitting here wishing, hoping, and WAITING!!
But, then i go back a year and we had NO IDEA what was wrong or where to go next. A year later, 2 m/c's and one failed IVF i feel we may be getting closer. Each day brings me closer to having a family. Thats the only thought that keeps me going.
Mentally, i am feeling better. Work was a bitch to go back to. Ive been hiding in the nursery b/c i CANNOT take care of patients. If ANYONE asks me if i have kids, or if im pregnant (thank you scrub tops) i think ill have a nervous breakdown. So ive been taking care of the babies withdrawing from methadone/crack/herion ect. or the kiddos whose mothers are prostitutes who are hitting the streets and not terminating their rights so these poor babies are going to be in fostercare their whole lives! So frustrating! But they dont talk, so im good!
On the other hand, i admitted a baby the other day with severe complications and shouldnt have made it and i was actually thankful for my m/c's...weird, but its a way to cope i guess.
People have been great and very supportive. Im still in shock it didnt work. Pete says "Bitter ppl stay in the past, so lets move on." Well i see what hes saying, but i AM bitter right now. I cant help it. Im giving myself until the 12th to be pissed then its time to move forward.
Im very anxious to hear what Dr. P has to say. I may need to wait a few cycles b/c of the OHSS but i am hoping things are clear and we can start the BCPs around xmas.
I know things happen for a reason but im sick and tired of this. I want my life back. I just want a family. Why is that so hard?
6 IVF cycles, 7 losses, a healthy son and now pregnant with TWINS! All honestly told so be warned!
1 comment:
Torri,
Emily (sissamom) here. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this only to end up in nearly the same place. I think you deserve to be bitter until the 12th, way to go. Also, way to go on the being bitter only until the 12th. That is not an easy thing to do. I pray this next IVF works out for you.
Good luck!
Emily
Post a Comment