8 weeks!!

For some reason 8 weeks is huge for me, no particular reason but im SO HAPPY to be here!! Im still feeling pretty much the same tired, hungry and queasy..dizzy spells are becoming more pronounced, i also have bionic smells (which is not always a good thing). The exhaustion is by far the dominant symptom!

2 more weeks and we get to start weaning off the PIO injections. They are not a bother but my skin if starting to hate the bandaids. And my hips are slightly numb from all the poking.

Earlier this week we switched to Lovenox instead of Heparin. Im on 30mg 2x a day. So far, so good.

Wednesday is u/s #3 and im praying everything is still perfect in there. The babe is the size of a large grape right now and my uterus is the size of a grapefruit. Ive been feeling alot of strtching going on in there. Its so fun to know im growing!!!

Speaking about growing, my pants no longer button!! i havent gained any weight but my waist is fading. Im hoping to wait to buy maternity clothes until at least 12 weeks. Id hate to buy them and then have something happen!! So it looks like ill be living in sweats for the next month (what else is new :) ).

We also took out first belly pic today, its unbelievable the change so far!!

Who slipped me the Roofies!

Sorry for a lack of updates this week and theres alot to update.

I have been so EXHAUSTED!! It takes everything to stay away. I worked mon-wed. and it was SO HARD to get through it! My queasiness/ extreme hunger is still here. I havent puked but i get really burpy where i feel like i will but then it passes. I get pretty dizzy/nausous in the morning or if i get up to quick.

So this week had some drama in it.

On Tuesday i had some brown staining on my undies and when i wiped it looked like i had brown pee. It was the same stuff i had 2 weeks ago but it was more and it freaked me out even more b/c now i know we have a baby with a heartbeat.

I told pete and he basically told me to go bed and call in the morning ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I couldnt sleep, so off to the ER we went!

We had to wait quite awhile for the u/s and exam. When they finally did it everything was perfectly fine! The babe was HUGE compared to last week, it measured 7w2d (but since it was 2a the doc said id prob. be 7w3d that day) so im only measuring one day behind which is nothing, so that made me feel alot better!

The heartrate was 162, also perfect and we actually got to HEAR it!!

The spotting has since stopped and the doc said it most likely is from the stitch in my cervix thats still there from my ER. It would have been nice if someone TOLD me that could happen!!

So things are good but i gotta go back to sleep!

7 weeks!

i made it through week 6 - whew!

Ive been very queasy, tired, and hungry (but with MAJOR food adversions) this week. If i dont eat every 2 hours, we got a problem! Im trying really hard to make good choices but sometimes stouffers mac and cheese is the only thing that sounds good. Earlier this week i had chicken noodle soup for breakfast! Pete was like "OK, your def. pregnant!" LOL.

Work is very hard to get through. Around 7 i feel like someone drugged me, i get a very fuzzy feeling - like my perception/equalibrium is off, its very strange. I dont know how i made it home last night i was so zonked!

My sisters constant vomiting happened this week. We shall see. On wednesday my beta was 32,152 so its climbing nicely - it seems like i should have enough hormones to drive me to puke, but nothing yet. I do have consistent queasiness - does that count?

Im calling tuesday for them "to fit me in" for a reassurance u/s. I cant wait to see the babe again and know everything is still going well! The nurse said once i get to week 10 i could take a good breathe...little does she know i take a "good breathe" everyday i wake up and im still pregnant!

Pete and I are going to babysit Sage ALL day today. Im really excited about that. Shes so big now and so much fun!!

Happy Heartbeat Day!!

Today was our 'Viable pregnancy" check and we have a HEARTBEAT!!!

I was so very nervous, but it all worked out well! My doctor did the u/s (you usually have to go to the hospital to get it done by a tech but Dr. P is awesome and likes to do everything herself!, LOVE HER!) Anyways she walks in asks how im feeling, blah, blah, i told her i was really nervous. She understood and got right down to it!

The probe didnt even feel like it was all the way in when she announced "theres the heartbeat!" i was like really? I suddenly felt alot better!

The dam u/s screen was really blurry and she was having a hard time measuring the babe, the best meaurement she got was 6w2d (im 6w4d) but she said that was perfect and the heartbeat was going at a very nice pace.

We got pictures and im super-psyched!

I really didnt think my body knew how to do this b/c ive never had a pregnancy form, just funky beta numbers. So this is HUGE!!!

We're gonna go back next week for my own peace of mind and the following week and a "real" appt.

My symtoms come and go, i feel pretty queasy most of the day, but no puking yet, my bbs really dont hurt but they stil feel like a fire is burning inside them every once in awhile, my nipples feel like they fall asleep too, i got some new veins poking out and i have the montgomery glands BIG time! Im also really thirsy and in turn im peeing ALOT.

I just cant believe this is happening! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

6 weeks

Today marks 6 weeks. 6 weeks is a scary week for me b/c this is the week i usually m/c (even though i find out about 4 1/2 to 5 weeks that its going to happen.)

Im having alot of up and down days. Yesterday i felt so hopeful and felt good throughout the day. Today im a blubbering idiot and scared to death, im convinced DOOM is right around the corner! :/.

I dont think its helping that the past day and a half im feeling pretty good. Since 4 1/2 weeks ive felt VERY hungry and queasy, tired, and dizzy spells. Yesterday i felt great, besides the fact i was sleeping @8pm, but the overwhelming hunger was at bay. Today i think my nervousness is masking ANYTHING i may feel. (although, the bloating is still in full force.)

Most ppl would feel forunate they feel good, but i WANT to feel like crap. You try so long to have a healthy pregnancy, that you want to feel ALL the symptoms to remind you your pregnant.

Wednesday cant come soon enough.

6326!

Thats my beta number. I was hoping for 4000, if it doubled exactly it would have been 5880, so we have a doubling time of 45.5 hours. I am SO relieved!!!

heres the recap
16dpo 261
18dpo 490
25dpo 6326

Im not the emotional type, i usually can handle things pretty well. But i keep crying on the phone with the nurse when i get this news!!

Now i have 6 more days until my u/s. Im working the weekend and monday, so it should go by fast.

Work is concerning me, when i do alot of activity i feel crampy and last night i had the TEENIEST amount of brownish liquid (i would have NEVER noticed it, if i wasnt looking for it). It freaked me out, but i have nothing but my white creamy discharge again. I am NOT LOOKING for it again!!

I saw Dr. B last night at work. Hes very happy for me. I cant wait to be back in his care. Hes a wonderful doctor.

Nightmares

Im sure its completely normal to have these. I had my first last night (not too bad). I got the call that my beta was only 935 and then i started bleeding. I was SO THANKFUL when i woke up that it was just a dream!

Ive been doing really well with not inspecting the tiolet paper for blood. I pat, throw it in the tiolet and flush. If its not on my underwear, im not looking for it!

I just cant wait for this beta number to come back. I want it between 3500-4500. PLEASE!!!PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!

Then the next obsession will then be my u/s.

And no, i dont think its twins...really, id be SHOCKED if it was!

5w2d

I made it through the weekend. It was a tough one, it being my dads anniversary and the fact that im so scared about my betas.

We went up to NH to spend the weekend with melissa and warren. We had a good time and it helped get my mind off things.

My symptoms are still present they are:

sore bbs (not consistently)
queasy (been most of the day today)
gassy/bloated/constipated (i seriously look 4mo. preggo)
HUNGRY(if i dont eat AS SOON as i feel hunger, im queasy)
thirsty/frequent urination
cramping, more like sharp stabs every now and then

Thats about it, im wondering when this gassy/stomach turning queasiness is going to land me running to the tiolet. Im taking all these symptoms as a good sign.

My next beta is wednesday and im so scared they are gonna call me and say "its all over". I just wish that damn beta doubled, i dont think id be so nervous about it. The next couple weeks are going to DRAG.

Dad..

It was 1 year ago today i rushed up to the hospital with my mother b/c my dad wasnt doing so well. When i got there he was laying on the stretcher in the ER, barely conscious, and it wasnt because they drugged him up, it was b/c he was so weak.

You see my Dad had issues. He was a heavy smoker/drinker and didnt think anything bad was ever going to happen to him. Over the past year leading up to this visit he was in the hospital every 4-6weeks for detoxing and COPD flare-ups. Its a long story but to sum it up quickly, he got sick and didnt do much to try to help himself, so time got the best of him.

I knew this time was going to be different. I knew this was the end. Being the nurse in the family the decisions were mine. At first they didnt know if it was an infection or pnemonia. He was in ALOT of pain and he couldnt lay flat b/c of the COPD. The doctors wanted to send him for a CTScan, put in a central line and send him to ICU were he possibly would be intubated.

He couldnt lay down for the CTScan. My mom, my sister and I decided it would be best to just make him comfortable, instead of torturing him. It was the hardest decision. It had to be about his quality of life and if he was vented and in pain and most likely given a trach, i couldnt let that happen. The poor guy suffered enough.

The doctors didnt like our decision. They were like "hes only 52." Yes, he was, but his body was 100. He wasnt able to walk to the bathroom without being in pain, all he did was sleep. He was blind. He needed 02 24/7. It was awful. I cant describe how bad it was.

The next day he was in a regular room getting antibiotics. He heard me come in and said "Tor, im in SO MUCH pain!" It turns out he had a nursing student and the last pain med he got was in the ER, over 12 hours ago!!! I was pissed!!

Once i fonally got him some pain medicine the doctors came in to tell us he has a staph infection in his blood, all 4 of them and that he was going into DIC (his blood was basically becoming water and he was going to start bleeding to death..out of his ears, eyes, mouth). We had to make the decision to stop all medicines and put him on a morphine drip to let him go.

I wont get into the details what happened throughout the next 24 hours, but it was the worst day of my life. I watched my Dad die. I heard his last breathe, i held his hand, and told him it was OK to go. It was the most tramatic thing i ever witnessed. My poor dad, like the doctor said, he was only 52!

I miss him very much and wish so hard i could have one more day with him.

Hold onto the ones you love b/c you never know when they wont be here.

I love you Dad!

Scared to DEATH!

Ok this post might be all over the place b/c thats where my thoughts are right now and i just need to take a minute and try to sort them out.

I am absolutey scared shitless that im going to lose this baby. I hardly slept last night b/c my beta number didnt double in 48 hours, it was 51 hours. I know its fine and normal and blah blah blah. But i go through beta hell when i get pregnant and this time i just wanted it to be PERFECT!!

I know i need to calm down but, its just not that easy.Im taking it not only one hour at a time but one second at a time. Im contemplating about calling to get another beta done tomorrow to put my mind at ease but what if it did the same thing? Then im REALLY gonna need to be admitted to a psych ward.

I know i should be happy and relish in the fact that im actually pregnant but i cant help but think something is going to go terribly wrong or im not having enough symptoms and now my beta didnt double.

See this is what miscarriages do to ppl, fuck em all up! I wish i could be like my sister and just know she was pregnant and move on. She didnt analyze every twiches, cramp, booby pain. She just lived and was niave. I WANT TO BE NIAVE!

But i cant b/c on top of researching for the past 2 years on infertility and everything that comes with it, im a freaking postpartum nurse and SEE what can happen! I know TOO MUCH.

I need a sedative until this baby is born!