Ok this post might be all over the place b/c thats where my thoughts are right now and i just need to take a minute and try to sort them out.
I am absolutey scared shitless that im going to lose this baby. I hardly slept last night b/c my beta number didnt double in 48 hours, it was 51 hours. I know its fine and normal and blah blah blah. But i go through beta hell when i get pregnant and this time i just wanted it to be PERFECT!!
I know i need to calm down but, its just not that easy.Im taking it not only one hour at a time but one second at a time. Im contemplating about calling to get another beta done tomorrow to put my mind at ease but what if it did the same thing? Then im REALLY gonna need to be admitted to a psych ward.
I know i should be happy and relish in the fact that im actually pregnant but i cant help but think something is going to go terribly wrong or im not having enough symptoms and now my beta didnt double.
See this is what miscarriages do to ppl, fuck em all up! I wish i could be like my sister and just know she was pregnant and move on. She didnt analyze every twiches, cramp, booby pain. She just lived and was niave. I WANT TO BE NIAVE!
But i cant b/c on top of researching for the past 2 years on infertility and everything that comes with it, im a freaking postpartum nurse and SEE what can happen! I know TOO MUCH.
I need a sedative until this baby is born!
6 IVF cycles, 7 losses, a healthy son and now pregnant with TWINS! All honestly told so be warned!
2 comments:
Oh, Torri. I know that it's extremely difficult to know so much. I didn't calm down until my 20 week u/s! I'm feeling a lot better now because I can feel my little guy moving everyday. It does get better, but it takes a long time. Good luck, and I'm thinking of you!
Emily
Oh Torri...I know it's torture but it's only 3 hours. If it had been 3 little hours shorter, you would be feeling so good right now. I know it is hard & I think taking it one second at a time is a great plan. Your numbers are so high and so close to doubling I would find a little comfort in that. What does your RE say?
I wish I could do or say something to make this better for you. Just know we're all here cheering you and your bean(s) on!
Hang in there!
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