Dad..

It was 1 year ago today i rushed up to the hospital with my mother b/c my dad wasnt doing so well. When i got there he was laying on the stretcher in the ER, barely conscious, and it wasnt because they drugged him up, it was b/c he was so weak.

You see my Dad had issues. He was a heavy smoker/drinker and didnt think anything bad was ever going to happen to him. Over the past year leading up to this visit he was in the hospital every 4-6weeks for detoxing and COPD flare-ups. Its a long story but to sum it up quickly, he got sick and didnt do much to try to help himself, so time got the best of him.

I knew this time was going to be different. I knew this was the end. Being the nurse in the family the decisions were mine. At first they didnt know if it was an infection or pnemonia. He was in ALOT of pain and he couldnt lay flat b/c of the COPD. The doctors wanted to send him for a CTScan, put in a central line and send him to ICU were he possibly would be intubated.

He couldnt lay down for the CTScan. My mom, my sister and I decided it would be best to just make him comfortable, instead of torturing him. It was the hardest decision. It had to be about his quality of life and if he was vented and in pain and most likely given a trach, i couldnt let that happen. The poor guy suffered enough.

The doctors didnt like our decision. They were like "hes only 52." Yes, he was, but his body was 100. He wasnt able to walk to the bathroom without being in pain, all he did was sleep. He was blind. He needed 02 24/7. It was awful. I cant describe how bad it was.

The next day he was in a regular room getting antibiotics. He heard me come in and said "Tor, im in SO MUCH pain!" It turns out he had a nursing student and the last pain med he got was in the ER, over 12 hours ago!!! I was pissed!!

Once i fonally got him some pain medicine the doctors came in to tell us he has a staph infection in his blood, all 4 of them and that he was going into DIC (his blood was basically becoming water and he was going to start bleeding to death..out of his ears, eyes, mouth). We had to make the decision to stop all medicines and put him on a morphine drip to let him go.

I wont get into the details what happened throughout the next 24 hours, but it was the worst day of my life. I watched my Dad die. I heard his last breathe, i held his hand, and told him it was OK to go. It was the most tramatic thing i ever witnessed. My poor dad, like the doctor said, he was only 52!

I miss him very much and wish so hard i could have one more day with him.

Hold onto the ones you love b/c you never know when they wont be here.

I love you Dad!