Dear Jack (3mos)

I came up with this clever idea to write letters to Jack throughout his life for numerous reasons...corny i know :)

Jack,
Its christmas time and i sit in the living room and when i look around at my surroundings its amazing how much youve changed my life. Last year your dad and i didnt put up a christmas tree or anything b/c we were so bummed we still didnt have a baby or were pregnant. Now there's a tree in the living room with sparkly lights with mounds of presents under the it. We also have stockings hung with presents pouring out of them. I feel a sense of peace and true happiness. I feel Christmas!

You of course have no idea what is going on, your just happy to be held and loved and im more then happy to give that to you.

Now your probably thinking "wow my mom is corny"..so true :) But i wanted to start these letters now so you have an idea how i feel about being a mom and your milestones at certain points.

When i was pregnant with you so many people told me it was going to change my life. I believed them but how could i really know HOW it was going to. Now i know...
my life now is more amazing. The love i have for you is astounding and really scary. There really is no words to explain what a baby does to your heart, especially your own.
My life is also much more scarier. I mean i have to mold you into a decent human being. Thats me and your dads job...no pressure...
I know have a purpose. YOU.

I look at you and your so vunerable right now and depend on me for everything. One day your going to grow up and not need me. That just breaks my heart! Im hoping youll always need me in some aspect, but i just want to hold onto this time for as long as i can. I wish i could just bottle it up. I hope i'll always remember your smells and the sound of your laughter and coos. They are just too precious.

My biggest fear is to lose you. I have awful thoughts that youll be taken away from me too soon. I really wish those thoughts will dissapear b/c its quite scary. I guess worry just comes with the territory, but im not always going to be able to protect you. I also fear you wont like me ( you wont when your a teen but thats how all kids are) but i just hope you like me. I hope you want to have lunch with me when your all grown up. I hope you come to me for advice. I hope you call me to just say hello. I hope your there for me like ill always be for you. I hope we get along and can laugh together. I hope im a "cool" mom and you feel comfortable with me and your dad enough so you can come to us for anything. I hope you know we'll never let you suffer and we always are looking for the best for you. I hope you know we'll love you no matter what and we will always be there for you.

Ona lighter note, this is how you are right now. Your sleeping through the night now. You come into bed with me in the morning and we nap for a few hours..this is my favorite time of day.You wake up all smiles. You love your changing table and smile and giggle when i change you. You love it when we talk to you, you talk back with coos and giggles. You hate getting dressed, especially putting on your shirts! You really enjoy your swing, you watch the dogs and us walk around. We sit in a chair next to it and talk to you and you just give the biggest smiles. You love looking in the mirror and watching us touch your face and talk. Youll mimic what we say, its really neat. You also enjoy the playmat and baby einstein toy we have. You know us ,pamma, mimi and pop-pop. You get a little fussy with auntie but she loves you to death (i wish we lived closer). Sage cant get enough of you and gives you kisses and hugs. She even tried to share a book with you the other day by throwing it in your face ( you poor thing, it was the first time you felt scared)..but she was just trying to share with you. I wonder what your relationship will be like.
You look like dad right now, so much its kinda scary! You get compliments on your beautiful blue eyes and how cute you are. You hate the carseat and will scream the whole ride. I need to use the snugli when we go shopping too. You love to look around and hate being confined.

Dad is a wonderful father and hes so excited to learn more about you. He cant wait to go to games with you, to teach you how to hunt and fish. You turn to his voice and smile big when he talks to you. He holds you and tells you how much he loves you all the time.

So motherhood...its true what people have told me about it, but i have no solid words to describe it. Im scared to death of it but i love it. If i could id have a house full of babies. But right now im enjoying our time together. I cant wait for the future to see who you become.
Merry Christmas Baby boy <3
Love,
Mommy