Getting Close

Last Christmas i worked with 2 other girls who were trying to get pregnant. Last week i took care of one of them, she had a little girl to go perfectly with her already 18 mo. old baby boy. Last night at work the other had her baby, a little boy to go perfectly with her already 1 and 3 y.o. little girls...HUMPH!

Im happy for them, but when is it my turn? We are good people. Why cant we have kids? I know i shouldnt doubt right now, i dont know whether or not this IVF worked but i cant help but think it didnt.

That will be 8000 dollars down the drain!! ARGH!

I dont want a pity party, im just frustrated with this whole situation. The past 2 years have been really tough, i try not to think about it all but, sometimes it overwhelming. When is it our turn for something good to happen.

It may be a coping mechanism but i tell myself we dont deserve a family. Like someone else out there whose struggled harder should get it before me. But, now im getting irritated. Take away the baby from the crack head mother, or the lady with 11 kids, or the young teen whose watching nickolodeon while im checking her vital signs. Id be a good mother, let me have the baby.

I also feel like i cant give my husband what he deserves. Hed be a great father. Hes so fun-loving and patient. He deserves this. He's been so good thoughout this whole thing. Even though he remains strong for me, i know this is killing him inside. One, b/c im in pain and two, he wants a family just as much as i do.

We know it will happen, its just the matter of how and when. Im, personally, sick of waiting. Its been 1 and a half years of hurt, pain and frustration. Its been 3 m/c's and now 2 IVF's, numerous procedures and about 50 blood draws (thats not exaggerated, i counted!). Im ready for this to be over.

And i hope it is in 3 days....im ready for a new beginning!