a rough 24 hours..

Well i know ive dabbled into talking about my job before but i never really got into it. First of all i LOVE my job, most of the time. Last night was HELL. I wont get into full detail but for 8 1/2 hours i took care of a homeless crack addict on her TENTH baby!!! She didnt have custody of any of her other children - THANK GOD. She was disgusting, mean, helpless, hopeless, and a figgin MOTHER!! ARGH!! I wanted to SCREAM!! The poor baby was in NICU withdrawing - what a %^&%.

Now i know alot of people going through RPL get mad at these situations - but they hear about them in newspapers or through friends...but i SEE it, i have to be NICE and CARE for these jerks! I dont have a SECOND to get away from my HELL! NOT ONE SECOND!!!

Not to mention i had to listen to the secretary talk about her new pregnancy that took her a week and a half to get and im sure everything will be FINE. Not to mention the volenteers daughter being pregnant with twins, shes 8 weeks and they are already planning childcare!! WTH!

Then i come home and pete comes into the living room and i tell him we need to go to the psych appt in the morning and he gets all mad b/c this whole process is "affecting work" - Well IM SORRY I CANT KEEP A BABY BUT EVERY SCUMBAG CAN! No, i dint say that i just took a shower and cried to myself.

Then this morning we went to the psychiatrist and i already felt like i was going to snap! She wanted to hear our story, it took everything for me to hold it together. Then she proceeds to try to talk me OUT of IVF because it should be a last ditch effort and i should keep "running" even though i dont know where or for how long i need to run before i get to the finish line!! ARGH! (im still doing the IVF, ive done enough research to know this is the best next step!)

So here i sit 1:15pm and i need to work @ 3pm....NOT in the MOOD!

In 4 weeks...

Im going to be an AUNT!!!

So many people say "I'm so sorry." when they hear my sister is pregnant! Isnt that NUTS?! Yes, it wasnt unplanned, shes not married, and she been with her bf for 36weeks (yes, shes 36 weeks). But things are going well for her. I really think that this is the best thing to happen to her, and its a BABY, more importantly- my niece!

Im so excited for Saige to get here!! (and on my selfish side note - i know her womb works...so i may need to rent it out- lol!)

Onto my fertility. We went to the IVF class today. It was alot of info, but i feel more prepared for it. And Pete is on the antibiotics as well b/c i made him call to request them! They said its not "protocol" but they gave him the perscription anyways - damn straight!! It makes me feel alot better that hes on them too.

I still cant believe this is happening...

May have found the reason!!!!

I am in total AWE!!! Last month when i went to the RE i asked to get a mycoplasma culture done. Its a bacteria that can cause early m/c and guess what??? I HAVE IT!!! Im SO MAD no one thought of this and it was ME who suggested it.

Being a nurse i know you HAVE TO be you OWN advocate. Research, research - it WILL get you places.

So the plan is to take 10 days of antibiotics get tested 10 days later and if its still postive, i go back on the antibiotics along with pete ( i dont understand why he doesnt go on them now?) We are still going through with the IVF b/c we are not 100% sure this is the reason. And thats starting in about a week.

I cant believe this!

Its Negative!!

My beta is FINALLY negative!! I found out that m/c #4 was doomed from the start on 7/26, so almost to 2 months later- its OVER!!

You'd think i'd be sad, but its a sense of relief that i can finally move on. I cant believe in less that 2 weeks im going to be doing IVF!!

Ill be away until the end of the weekend because its my sisters baby shower on saturday. We did a pregnant scarecrow theme, its going to be so cute!

A CraZy amount of Appointments!

Yesterday i had an appt with Dr. F for a microplasma culture ( a simple bacteria that may be causing the m/c's). While there i told him we changed our minds and we are diving in -head first- for the IVF/PGD.

While he's fiddling instruments around in my "good girl" he proceeds to tell me that he's going to do a "mock embryo transfer" - HOLY SHIT this is REALLY happening! Right then and there is when i had the realization that i AM going through this, i cant carry a baby and i need IVF and that may not work, too! ARGH!

But let me tell ya, Dr. F got some talent, hes talking to me and looking me IN THE EYE as he's threading a catheder through my CERVIX! - dont you have to SEE where you going? I guess he knows va-jay-jays like the back of his hands!!

His nurse gives me a booklet on IVF (which, btw. is about 150 pages long!). There is about 7 steps i need to do in order to start the IVF. The biggest one is the b/w..it has to be done on Day 3 of my cycle - its about 15 tubes of blood - my FAVORTIE :\

So here are the appointments if your following along with me.
9/19- beta test - will it be down to 0 yet??? - YES IT IS!!!
9/26- IVF class
9/29- psychiatrist
10/10- DR.F to talk about the protocol
10/18- Dr. KP to talk about the PGD
and i still have a few more i need to make - ill add them as they come along!

Going to Melissa and Warrens wedding this weekend! It should be fun - i need fun!

You dont get IT!...

Like i said before, i talk ALOT about this situation b/c it helps me.

Talking to certain people though, doesnt help. Someone should really write a book on the do's and dont's on what to say to someone going through miscarriage.

I know most of the time ppl are just trying to "help" or they just dont know what to say, which is fine, but when people start telling you HOW to cope, frankly pisses me off.

Give me credit where credit is due....in 9 months ive had 3 m/c and lost my father. Im not locking myself in my room crying, not eating,not going to work, not talking to anyone ect. Im laughing, eating, going to work, beign social. If ONE MORE person says "your too anxious" im going to FLIP OUT!!! Im not ANXIOUS, just b/c i talk about it doesnt mean im anxious. I dont think a minute conversation gives anyone the right to tell me what i am or what i am not!

So the next time anyone is talking to someone that going through a hard time. Listen, and then tell them it sucks what they are going through and that they are handling it well, and if they are not handling it well, just give them a hug and tell them you are there for them (and actually BE there!).

change of plans...

well after much debate (with myself) i finally talked to pete about my feelings reguarding IUI and IVF. I just didnt feel comfortable going through the IUI. I feel the IVF/PGD is our best bet and may find answers. I couldnt go through the IUI and have another m/c, then have to wait another 3 months to start the IVF.

im terrified though. Ive been spending alot of my time researching IVF and what the process is and what im getting myself into. Im scared of what they will find. What if all our embryos are bad? What if all my embryos are fine, will i have another m/c? What if i can never have my own child? (im not against adoption by any means but i want a biological child).

We are going Oct 10 and 18th to talk about the whole process...more waiting. Which i dont have to much choice over because my beta is 32...so im STILL "pregnant" UGH! So i probably wont get AF for at least 2-3 more weeks.

The next step...

A week ago Pete and went to the RE to see what the next "plan" should be. I was pretty much expecting what was said, so it wasnt a shock.

Dr. F basically has no clue what is causing this and we have a 60% chance of carrying a baby to term ourselves - i dont believe in stats, but it still stng to hear that.

SO we had 2 options, injectable meds with IUI (they will inseminate me with Petes sperm after i give myself an injection to induce ovulation.) This is suppose to give me better quality eggs. The risk of twins is 25% - FINE BY ME!

The second option is IVF with PGD. PGD is when they will test the embryos to make sure they are healthy before they transfer them into me. THis is going to cost us 15,000 out of pocket b/c i CAN concieve, according to the insurance co.

We choose injectables (more for money reason but for sanity reason, i want the IVF). We do have 2 more consults in the next 6 weeks to see what 2 other docs say...but for now this is the plan.

Wish us luck...

Nice to get away

It was a good Labor Day. I had 5 wonderful days off of work and Pete and i went to NH and ME for the weekend. We went to a wedding and then up to Petes hunting cabin for 2 nights. Nala passed her first leg at a junior hunter retriever field trail, so proud of my baby girl! :)

More needles

During the past few months people have been offering me numerous ways to help my "situation". The most common solution was acupuncture. OK i'll try it...

I walk in and there's "miracle babies" all over the walls and this cute chinese man in a white lab coat who speaks broken English who keeps telling me i NEED tea!

So he bring me in the back and goes to work and then proceeds to put a heating lamp over my body, tells me "good night", shuts off the lights and leaves....OK?

All of a sudden i get so comfortable its hard for me to keep my eyes open, it was crazy!! It was so relaxing and i felt the effects hours later.

A half hour passes and he storms in, takes out the needles and tell me to "come back tuesday"...OK...then "you keep baby next time with TEA"...OK.

So this little chinese man seems to have my cure - TEA!