NOT GIVING UP!!!

OK so its officially over...started bleeding and cramping today. Had to call out of work and spent the day on the couch with my wonderful 2 year old (again...thank god for him!)

So the consult on Wednesday...

When i first walked in she said to me "i hope this doesnt deter you"...and "i know you were really upset"...Well, obviously! When you are giving yourself 3 shots a day going in for appointments almost everyday, doing acupuncture, eating a whole pineapple, having your beloved child be away from home for 4 nights in a week, and wishing, hoping and praying every second of the day....then to hear it worked and then moments later learn its all coming crashing down?...im pretty sure ANYBODY would be upset!

So we talked about a bunch of things.

Trying on our own - we can but its not ideal. With the chance of ectopic and probably having miscarraige after miscarriage isnt my idea of a good time. So that got checked off rather quickly.

IVF/PGD - Im PISSED i had a miscarriage with the PGD and now im pretty much jaded by it. Theres a 10-15% chance of putting back in embryos that are abnormal or you are throwing out embies that are normal. You can have a miscarraige even IF your baby is normal. I had put in 7 embryos over the course of all these cycle and i have one baby. It doesnt make sense to me! I truly feel like these embies are being manipulated too much and cant "recover" enough to keep going. I feel that if i put jack in without PGD id still have him. So after much debate with myself and pete we decided no more PGD.

Just IVF - the winner. We are going to put in the best FOUR embryos on day 3....yes FOUR. Or put back all the blasts on day 5. I need to weigh those pros and cons again with her. She seemed to lean towards the day 3 transfer because they are back in thier natural enviroment sooner.

Some other changes: Going on 2cc's of Progesterone right away since my prog is always under 20 at my check. Im staying on the same dose of Follistim (180). We are doing a months worth of Doxycyline (both pete and I) since i tested + for Mycoplasma and Endometritis before i had Jack...so she said instead of doing another biopsy of my lining shes just going to treat it. And shes putting me on Medrol for 4 days after egg retrieval (it suppresses the immune system) so my immune system doesnt think the baby is a foriegn invader. And im also going to get another sonohystergram to check the lining of my uterus....again.

Whew, get all that?

I called today and told them today is my DAY 1 so in 3 weeks i should start back up with the Lupron. And Egg retrieval will be in April.

The one good thing about not doing PGD is i can hop right into another cycle instead of waiting until May. I need this to all be done and over with.

:::fingers crossed::::

Ug...

Dropped to 34. No more PIO, now i wait. I go Wed for a consult and next monday for a repeat beta.

This is not fun and im in a deep funk :(

Why?!

My beta dropped to 58...by some rare chance it could be a vanishing twin so i have to go back sunday for another beta and stay on my progesterone just for pure torture.

Im devasted but ill be OK.

Everything happens for a reason....it worked before it will work again.

Breakdown..

So maybe im jumping the gun but im pretty sure this is over...

I took another test this morning and it seems lighter to me.

Ive been holding everything in for 24 hours but i broke down this morning and started BAWLING! Poor Jack just came over to me and hugged me and stayed with me until i pulled myself together. Im crying now..

I just feel like WHAT THE FUCK! Im a good mom, a good person, a have a job, a house, a husband who is a FAB Dad....why does this have to be so hard for US??!

This is NOT FAIR!

I really hope im wrong and tomorrow they call me with a super high number.

I Guess i just have to WAIT and see.

Too good to be true?

So my beta today (15dpo) was a whooping 69...

I dot have much hope. The doctor seemed happy with it, but it was so much higher with Jack (261 @ 16dpo).

So now we wait (again) until Friday.

How can this be happening with PGD?!

It's Darker..

YAY!! Now if only my shoulder would stop bothering me! But i really do think its muscular.

So i didnt finished telling my "how i found out" post.

After i peed on the stick, Jack was in the bathroom with me and he wanted to wash his hands so i helped him do that, after we were finished i picked up the test and it was clearly positive...i whispered to Jack "im pregnant" and he just looked at me and said "yeah?". I told him to bring the test out to Gaga (daddy) and he did but he dropped it and was too concerned about which "roar" he was going to play with,lol. So i pickeditupand gave it to Pete and said..."we're gonna have another baby...theres 2 lines" He looked at it and said "yup, i see them"...we hugged i told him "Congratulations" (inside joke)....

Ikinda feelbad that i didnt jump up and down and cry and the whole bit like i did with Jack. Im still in caution mood. Im super excited though, i'll jump,scarem and cry when i walkout of the ultrasound room and everything is A-OK!!

Oh and my gut is its only one...and that its a boy (lol) :)

So I cheated...

and its POSITIVE!!!!!

im still being cautious until the betas (which isnt til wednesday anf friday). If they are doubling appropraitly then ill sigh some relief, but i wont feel 100% until the ultrasound which, most likely will be in 2 weeks or so.

We spent the day at my SIL's and when we got home i asked Pete if i should take a test tonight. He said he didnt want to be staring at the test wondering is or isnt there a line...but then he said "yeah, lets just do it"....he wasnt going to be around tomorrow and i wanted to know before tuesday b/c Jack sleeps at my moms every other tuesday and i wouldnt have wanted him gone if it was neg.

So, anyways, Jack followed me into the bathroom and i figured "why not, he'll be my lucky charm"...so i peed on it and as soon as it hit the test window i could tell it was going to be positive. Its not a dark but you can tell there is 2 lines without bending and twisting it until the light (and its only 2 days before my period and it was about 5pm)..Ill take another test tomorrow morning just to see if the line gets darker and to ease my nerves :)

So yeah, look like this worked :) THANK YOU!!!

Valentines :)

3 years ago today i heard Jack heartbeat for the very first time :)

Pete made me chocolate covered strawberries, Jack handprint in the form of a heart and i got 2 pandora charms (jacks birthstone and mother of pearl hearts). I love them <3 ...i do feel like a jerk because i only got pete reeses hearts because i didnt think we were doing anything (plus whatever i DO buy him, he returns, so forget it!)

So symptoms wise im getting pretty nervous. Today i started having some left shoulder pain (symptom of an ectopic )...im really hoping it all in my head..plus i dont even know if i am pregnant or not....if if i were wouldnt it be too early to feel that? ...

Otherwise, im pretty crampy at night...actually they really arent "cramps" its more like a sharp ache. I also am noticing im peeing alot more then usual. And my boobs are still on/off sore.

I think i may get a test today since im nervous about this shoulder pain. If i am pregnant they are going to do a ultrasoud around 5 weeks to make sure everything is where it should be.

Fingers crossed....

People are excited...

So i went back to work thursday (and this is something you basically can't hide when you need time off and your bringing in coolers with medication in it, so everyone knows). Plus, im the type of person who talks about it cause if i didnt, itd be alot harder to go through. I have patients whose families dont know they are going through it...thats just crazy to me!

Anyways i tell people how everything went, how everything was right on...and everyone gets all excited "Your gonna have TWINS!!!", or "OMG, all BOOYYYS!, How fun", or my fave is "Your preggo, yay!" ummm...no thats not how it works, i dont know if i am... YET. I know that 90% of women fortunately dont have issues/problems in this area so i have a select few who really know how much this sucks and how superstitious i am with everything.

I Love my job, i really do and i dont plan on leaving for a very long time. But, its a hard enviroment to be around in these circumstances (im a post-partum nurse)....but luckily, i ve have completely normal couples the past couples nights...no crack addicts or homeless prostitutes THANK GOD!

But mentally im doing fine. Of course im noticing EVERY twitch. Everyday its most been slight pulling more on my right side with my boobs being slightly sore, my aereolas are def darker and i have those mongomery tubucles (i totally butchered that spelling). Last night at work my hips were very uncomfortable along with my ribs and i was SO bloated i could have POPPED...i had a salad for dinner so its not like i ate crap...

So 4 more days...i went to target and Stop and shop yesterday and i didnt buy a test...theres also a Dollar Store in that plaza..talk about good self control!

How you feeling?

I love when people ask me "So, do you FEEL pregnant?"....for someone who has been pregnant 6 ttimes youd think id know...

So speaking of that ive been wicked superstitious on telling anyone my symptoms...im not even talking to Pete about anything (he's not really asking, he just knows it been past 7 days since ER...If you know what i mean lol).

But im posting symptoms here b/c i feel like this site is my personal journal reguarding this so if i have to go through this again (which im hoping is NOT the case)...i know what happened, when.

So Sunday was the transfer ...the only thing i felt that day was anxiety (what if this doesnt work?...and like i felt all the anxiety i was keeping at bay came to a head.

Monday (1dp5dt) i felt some twinges in the uterus and my bb's were sore
Tuesday (2dp5dt) some definite pulling, feeling it on the right side more then the left but the left has some activity...these twinches feels more like burning or pulling then cramping...oh one wave of nausea
Wednesday (3dp) Twinches still apparent in the morning with some sore ladies (mostly shooting pains).

Im really hoping the twinges/burning/pulling sensations is implantation. The boys were both hatching when they were transferred in so im thinking they would be adhereing to the uterus by monday....

They called me today with my prog level 16.6...which im not concerned about, it was 19 with Jack and i didnt take my Prog before i went in like last time ( it was 115 last cycle and that was a big ole negative)..ive learnt not to trust in the Prog. levels, but i have to increase my meds to 2cc's now...same thing i had to do with Jack.

Im all pineappled out but i still have about 20 pieces left...the whole core is gone though and thats the most important part...and ive been eating brazil nuts...i also did acupuncture on monday.

I did everything i could, so if this doesnt work then its just bad luck.

Transfer complete!!

We transferred 2 healthy baby boys this morning. Dr. P came in, which was so great of her! It took them a little bit to get into my cervix but it was pretty easy after that. Both boys were hatching blasts which is the best possible stage...im so psyched!!! Now they just need to implant and stick for the next 35 or so weeks!!

My beta is 2/17

Im feeling good right now. A little anxious but i think anyone would be giving the circumstances.

PGD results!!

We have 2 healthy!!!! and they are BOYS!!!! :)

Dr. P called me this morning to let me know we prob wouldnt know the results until late tonight because of the snow storm but she called me around 5pm to give me the results. Im so happy but ill be alot more relived once these little buggas are inside me!!

Transfer is 9:15am tomorrow. Hopefully both are still growing normally and all is well.

oh, do i hope this works!!

Day 3 progress

All 7 were shipped off for PGD testing.

Today they should be 4-8 cells.

we have:

1 4 cell
5 8 cells
1 10 cell

We should hear if any are healthy tomorrow night.

Cell counts

Welp folks we got 100% fertilization!! That has never happened to us before! So we now have 7 in the running and all will be shipped out for PGD testing tomorrow!

so here's the breakdown (they should be 2-4 cells right now)

1- 2 cell
5- 4 cell
1 - 5 cell

I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest when i called.

Please let this work!! :::yes, im begging:::

The Report

12 eggs, 7 able to be ICSI'd and 6 have fertilized. I told myself if we had 5 or more id be happy. So 6 is good, very good since only 7 were able to have a shot in the first place. I call again tomorrow at 2 for thier progress. Im hoping all are dividing normally! ( and that they are healthy).

Im feeling OK. Definately still sore. Ive been taking Tyl #3's and thats been helping. The first PIO shot was today and that was fine. Im so numb from all these shots i can barely feel them anymore.

Jack is back home, i missed him :)

Egg Retrieval #4

...and hopefully my last!!

We arrived at 7am on the dot and their was a line of people waiting to check in! It was us and one another couple waiting for ER. The nurse i used to work with came out and got me and i was glad i was going to have a familiar face in pre and post-op. I went in and changed into my jonnies and walked out into the hall and Dr. P was there!! She came in just to do my retrieval! LOVE HER!! The nrse told me later shes only seen her come in do that one other time for someone.

So it took 3 attempts to get the IV in and they finally found a spot in the inner aspect of my wrist..ouch! So i got wheeled in at 8am and woke about 9am and we got 12 eggs! I was hoping for 12-15 so 12 is good. Dr. P came out and said she hoped 10 or so were mature since they were in some nice big follicles. I'll find out tomorrow between 2 and 4.

Let the waiting begin...

u/s #4 and triggering

so my e2 for the 3rd check was 1374!! '

My u/s yesterday showed around 23 follicles (the nurse said there "multiple" little(r) ones under 12 - doesnt she know im anal and i NEED to know exactly what "multiple" means?! lol but anyway 14 are measurable follicles and they are ranging from 12-24mm...3 of these are not mature but should be by tomorrow am.

I triggered last night at 730pm and my retrieval is 7am tomorrow morning (im the first one). I also went to acupuncture yesterday. And my e2 was 1743 yesterday. Im bloated, drinking gatorade and so ready for the next step!!!

wish me luck!!!