Cycle delayed...

I had my baseline 2 days ago..everything looked fine besides the fact i STILL havent had my period! GRRR. My estrogen was too high to start stims.

So i have to call when it decides to show...

Hopefully soon.

Side Effects...

OMG i am so PMSing!! I am so bloated and cramping with an on again off again backache! I am also feeling like a superbitch and i NEED chocolate, but theres none in the house!!

I have never taken Provera to induce a period so all of this just SUCKS!

The Lupron is fortunately treating me well (unless what im feeling is b/c of the lupron too). I have no night sweats this time.

My baseline is 4 days away, im just hoping i get my period before then (and before i explode).

What a differnce a cycle makes...

Last cycle i would count down the days, hours, minutes until the next step would occur. i would stress over how many times i could make it to acupuncture, analyze every move i made.

Not this time.

Im RELAXING, taking it one day at a time and just hoping for the best. I wake up when i wake up and take my Lupron and all my other pills and supplements and then i just go about my day.

Last cycle i had nightmare about my first Lupron injections. This time i woke up a half hour LATE to take it and just did it without blinking instead of going "1...2....i cant do it....1...2....nope".

So lets hope this attitude gives a whole new outcome as well....

Here we Go!!

found out my first IVF/PGD cycle failed on 11/26, now just about 3 weeks later im starting my 2nd cycle!!

I got my plan today and my new RE is doing things quite differently than my last.

Im starting Provera tomorrow
NO BCP's!!!! (was on them for 3 weeks last time)
Lupron 10u 12/17
baseline 12/27 ( was on Lupron for 15 days before baseline last time)
Stims 12/28 (200u Follistim, instead of 225)
Heparin starting day 4 of stims (was on Lovenox starting day of ET before)
Est ER 1/7 (shes guessing 9 days of stims - i had 7 last time)
PIO to starting day of ER (was on 600mg of supps last time.)
PGD day 3, transfer day 5.

I CANNOT believe this is happening again so soon!!

Surprising Cycle Review

Surprising b/c since i developed OHSS i was expecting to hear "you need to wait 3 months to start again." But instead i heard:

"Lets start the Lupron early next week and do the ER mid januray!"

I was shocked!!!

So heres the breakdown on what we're doing next cycle:

* Start with 200u of Follistim, instead if 225u to try to prevent OHSS
* Start Heparin day 4 of stims (she thinks i have a clotting d/o thats not found yet and since im @ increased risk of OHSS - which can lead to thrombolis...so we're starting it sooner.)
* She believes the OHSS was a factor why i did not become pregnant, but cant say for sure
* My 2 healthy boys did extremely well after going through the PGD so shes hopeful.
* She said that my ratio for normal vs. abnormal shows we should have healthy ones the next time around.
*PIO (progesterone in oil, an IM shot) instead of the supps.
*She said I WILL get pregnant, its just a matter of WHEN.

Overall, im extremely happy with the outcome. I have a fantastic doctor (i love her) and we found the reason for the m/c's. She is very proactive to achive a healthy pregnany (whereas my last RE i felt like i was fighting for him to help me.)

I cant wait to start the Lupron and get this next cycle underway!!!!

Also, mentally im doing ALOT better. Im feeling ALOT of hope with the next cycle and im trying to hold onto that. When i start to feel OK about things i automatically think negatively to protect myself. But who am i thinking? Im going to be upset if it doesnt work this next time if i protect myself or not! So im trying to remain as positive as possible!!

So here we go again!!! YAY!

The Aftermath...

Well the cycle failing def. feels like a m/c, even though im so relieved it wasnt one. There was so many factors leading up to this that i just really wanted it to work and when it didnt, i was (am) devasted :(

I try to be upbeat and remain postive but sometimes its hard. I try not to think about what things "might" have been. I could have a 6 month old right now, or be 34 weeks preggo, or 22 weeks, and now almost 6 weeks and waiting for my first u/s wondering if both stuck. But NOPE, im still sitting here wishing, hoping, and WAITING!!

But, then i go back a year and we had NO IDEA what was wrong or where to go next. A year later, 2 m/c's and one failed IVF i feel we may be getting closer. Each day brings me closer to having a family. Thats the only thought that keeps me going.

Mentally, i am feeling better. Work was a bitch to go back to. Ive been hiding in the nursery b/c i CANNOT take care of patients. If ANYONE asks me if i have kids, or if im pregnant (thank you scrub tops) i think ill have a nervous breakdown. So ive been taking care of the babies withdrawing from methadone/crack/herion ect. or the kiddos whose mothers are prostitutes who are hitting the streets and not terminating their rights so these poor babies are going to be in fostercare their whole lives! So frustrating! But they dont talk, so im good!

On the other hand, i admitted a baby the other day with severe complications and shouldnt have made it and i was actually thankful for my m/c's...weird, but its a way to cope i guess.

People have been great and very supportive. Im still in shock it didnt work. Pete says "Bitter ppl stay in the past, so lets move on." Well i see what hes saying, but i AM bitter right now. I cant help it. Im giving myself until the 12th to be pissed then its time to move forward.

Im very anxious to hear what Dr. P has to say. I may need to wait a few cycles b/c of the OHSS but i am hoping things are clear and we can start the BCPs around xmas.

I know things happen for a reason but im sick and tired of this. I want my life back. I just want a family. Why is that so hard?

No Good News! :(

Well i really suck but i just havent had the courage to post an update.

On Sat. Pete and i had sex - something we havent done in a LONG time. Afterwards i spotted very lightly and thought it was just from all the "activity" and plus i was on heparin and BA. But then Sunday i woke up to alot more than spotting, and cramps to boot :(

I was a mess on sunday. I didnt want to talk to ANYONE (besides pete and my dogs). But the phone kept ringing, everyone was concerned but i really just wanted to be left alone :(

My mom came down yesterday to go to my beta and get me out of the house, which was a def. liefsaver.

Pete and i talked. We know that this sucks - really bad. But at least it wasnt another m/c! We found answers for the m/c's during the cycle (which we didnt know if we were going to find). We now know what needs to be done.

You never know why things happen and theres gotta be a reason that this didnt work. Im putting all my energy to eat better, exercise and get ready for the next cycle.

We're going 12/12 for our f/u and to review my cycle. I also switched doctors to Dr. P b/c even though Dr. F is a smart man, he just didnt have the compassion or the flexibility im looking for (hes narrowminded and is set in his ways).

So thank you to all the wonderful ladies who are following my story. I hope ill have a happy outcome at some point to give hope to everyone going through this hell-ride.

Superstisoius

Today i am 5dp5dt. I do have symptoms to report but im not saying them b/c im way too scared to jinx myself.

My beta is the 27th and i am actually dreading it b/c im so scared if its negative!!!

PLEASE let this work!!!

Getting Better!

Well after 3 days of h*ll, im feeling better. I dont have my stamina back but im not gasping for air anymore, which is a HUGE plus! lol :)

The night i got home from the hospital i took 2 vicodin and slept - i woke up every 15 minutes to catch my breathe but the drugs allowed me to tolerate it. Sunday i couldnt say more than 2 words without feeling winded and i seriously wished they put a catheter in me b/c going to the bathroom took EVERYTHING out of me!

Last night i woke up and was scrunched down and didnt feel like i was dying so i laid all the way down and STILL felt alive! So this morning i woke up and feel 90% better! It was the stangest thing. It hit me hard and it went away pretty quicikly too! My weight is back to normal (i only gained 3 pounds) but im still slightly bloated.

Im really hoping my boys are nestling in nice and tight right now.

this will all be worth it!!

Always the 1%...

Well i overstimulated and just spent 7 hours in the ER. My ovaries are GIGANTIC and are touching eachother! Each are 5 inches across! I have a "considerable" amount of fluid in my abdomen and lungs and im having a heck of a time breathing.

They wanted to drain the fluid out of my lungs and stomach but nobody was on to do it so i got sent home to basically knock myself out and deal.

I go monday to get reevaluted. Its always something!

Of course im worried about the boys but im trying to remain calm under these circumstances...but its a little tough when you cant BREATHE!!

Sigh of Relief!!

Well i still feel like complete horse dung but the whole process is OVER. The progesterone is causing some major stomach issues and im having a hard time breathing while laying down. That could a sign of OHSS (overstimulation) so im trying to rest up and drink lots of fluids, but its no fun. But ill do whatever i need to to get my healthy babes :)

OK so its been awhile, lets see. Wednesday was AWFUL! I had to wait ALL day to get the PGD results. The doctor finally called around 630pm and told me we had 2 healthy petri-babies to transfer on thursday!! WOO-HOO!

I was so thrilled we had healthy ones. Now going into this IVF we did it to find answers for the 4 m/c's, we didnt know if we were going to find any, so its been pretty rough. But when i got that phone call i KNEW we found the reason i just didnt know what it was yet ( i only have 2 healthy babies out of 13!) Dr. P said shed call me in the am to let me know what time the transfer was going to be and give me the full report.

So 7am came yesterday and i found out WHY i was m/cing!!! Both pete and i have screwy sperm and eggs.

Heres the report: (its takes a minute to comprehend it)

X0 - Monosomy X and 18 - Means egg fertilized but pete didnt give an X or a Y,but the embie was damanged anyways (monosomy 18)

XY - normal - little boy!

XXX - polyploid - could be a dmaged egg or sperm (girl)

XX- Trisomy 16 (girl)

XY- normal - another BOY!

X0- again no X or Y from pete but the egg had trisomy 15
X0- again pete didnt give up the goods! - egg was normal

XX- another girl but monosomy 18 and trisomy 15

So we transferred 2 BOYS!! Can you believe it! My family is all girls and pete is all boys. I hope both stick! but ill be happy with one healthy baby :)

This has been a very tough couple weeks and now i just wait for my beta on the 27th. To tell you the truth im not even counting the days, im trying to stay calm and not think about it. BUt ive been talking to Chico and Horhay (petes NN for them! lol).

Thanks everyone for your support!!!!

Petri-Baby update

At this point our embies should be at the 2-4cell stage.

we got 6 4-cells and 2 - 2cells and 2 1 cells.

So its looks like we got 8 in the running as of now unless the other 2 split sometime today.

Im going to call tomorrow to see how many theyll send for PGD.

Thursday cant come soon enough!!

Petri-Babies!!

Out of the 15 eggs, 13 were able to be ICSI'd and 10 have fertilized so far! Tomorrow i call around 2 to see the progress. This is so nerve-wracking but, so far so good!!

Egg Retrieval went well

We got 15 eggs. Im happy with that number. We'll get the fertilization report tomorrow around noon. Im nervous about all of this. I just hope the next 4 days fly by.

Im really sore and needing the vicodin right when its due.

I gotta go lay back down.

Trigger Happy!

Im triggering tonight @ 9pm and going in for egg retrieval on saturday @ 7:45am!!

I cant BELIEVE this!! WOW!

The Eggs keep on coming!

Todays u/s revealed 22 eggs!! Thats 6 more overnight!! I wonder if going to acupuncture yesterday had anything to do with it!!

My right side is very sore, it has 16 of the eggs in it! The left has 6 right now but thats the side thats hard to see. 12 are mature and its very likely they will trigger me tonight! The mature ones rnge from 15- 21.5mm and the rest are 10-13.5mm. We only have about 2 or 3 that will potentially make it to maturity if we trigger tonight. EDITED to say: I counted wrong we have 8 that are ranging from 12- 13.5 and may potentially make it to maturity by saturday!

My e2 yesterday was 2055, so we are right on track.

I should know by 3pm what the next plan is.

Still FREAKING out!!

Sage Victoria Watson

Egg Update

Today there was 16 eggs, 7 or so mature and the rest were very close to it. My right side has 11 and my left 5. Mt left ovary is hard to visualize so the nurse said i may have more eggs then what we are seeing.

Ill get the call tonight to see what the next step is. Its looking like ill do one more night of Follistim and trigger tomorrow.

Im FREAKING out!

IVF stuff and SAGE!!!!

My sister FINALLY had the baby!!

Sage Victoria was born @ 739pm 8lbs 8.7oz 21 1/1 inches!! No epidural! She was amazing, it was the most incredible thing i have ever witnessed!! I love that sweet baby to pieces and i wish i could see her everyday!

OK now onto my fertility drama:

Ive been stimming now for 7 days. I went in on sunday (day 3) for my b/w and my e2 was skyhigh @ 390- its normally around 100-150! So they dropped my dose to 150 for sun and monday.

Today i went in for my u/s and b/w and there was multiple little follicles and 14 measurable follies, 4 were mature and the rest were VERY close to it! My e2 came back 1315- still high but OK at this point. No one at my RE's office seems too concerned but im freaking out that im stimming quickly!

I go back tomorrow for another u/s and b/w. Im guessing ill trigger on thursday, but its still up in the air.

Im feeling OK. Im tender and bloated but not anything too crazy. Im just trying to keep my mind off things, and hoping we get some very GOOD NEWS at the end of the month!!

Ready, Set, GO!!!

I had my baseline u/s yesterday and im happy to report we got the greenlight to start my stims tonight(225u of Follistim).

I had multiple little follicles (what hold eggs) on my right side and a small cyst on my left. My E2 was 27 (it had to be below 70). They stressed me out b/c of the cyst, they said i may need to wait a week if my E2 was high, but its not and we're moving ahead!

The next appt is sunday for a bloodraw to see how to adjust my drug dosage if needed.

Im getting excited!!!

Hurry Up and Wait...

For the past month and a half ive been trying not to pay attention to time. But now that things are going to start moving this week, the days are dragging! I cant wait for my baseline and start doing the stim drugs! I just want to get this moving!!!

Pete is gone for the week :( he left yesterday and i already miss him terribly.

Usually this week my mom comes down to spend time with me but between the 2 of us we have 6 dogs! Theres no way thats gonna work, so im all alone, oh well. It didnt help yesterday when our kitchen ceiling started LEAKING! I had to break a hole through the ceiling and i bunch of water came flying down! It was a mess!! Thank goodness it stopped raining!

Curry STILL has NOT had Saige! Im dying over here! She bought this inducing cream cheese and i think shes going to try it this morning, hopefully it works! I had a dream she had her so maybe it will be today?!

Also i switched acupuncturists. Im going to a woman now who actually talks English and EXPLAINS to me what shes doing! Its pretty cool. She said i have weak kidneys and the kidneys is what supports a pregnancy! Who knew? So we're fixing my kidneys! SHe also gave my a moxibustion (sp?) stick to do it myself at home and put "earballs" in my ears to help with stress and anxiety. Let me tell ya, i already feel a difference! I highly recommend acupuncture!!

Gotta go Sadie needs to poop!

small update with not much news

the only big thing that has happened since my last update is im off the BCPs and ive been on the Lupron for one week. The Lupron is treating me well, i only have clammy night sweats but not every night. AF is showing right on time, im spotting and very emotional and it should be full force on friday.

The RE office hasnt called yet with my Mycoplasma results, so im still waiting.

Curry is still pregnant, her due date is friday. We all are getting impatient, i cant wait to meet Saige!

I did it MYSELF!!!

This morning was my first Lupron shot and i was scared to DEATH!!! I was having nightmares ALL night! So i finally said "screw it" and got up to do it. Pete did my heparin shots with my last pregnancy b/c im such a baby (yes, i know, being a nurse i should have no problems, but its different when its YOU!) But im happy to report that it was ME to did the injection!!! It didnt even hurt! Im so excited to do my next one now HAHA!!

Today was a very eventful day. I had the consult with Dr. P to go over the PGD. She was SO NICE!! She actually talked TO us not AT us! She even went through my whole chart and suggested quite a few things that would help our odds.

First she thinks theres an implantation issue. So she suggests starting the Lovenox right after transfer. Im psyched about that, ive been TRYING to get someone to LISTEN to me about my ideas and was getting NOWHERE. But SHE brought it up!! So we are going to do that.

Second, sometimes ppl with RPL have too many sperm penetrate the egg causing the m/c's so we are doing ICSI (one single sperm is injected into the egg.)

Lastly, she doesnt think the mycoplasma is causing the m/c's but is concerned that i only have taken a 10 day course of antibiotics to treat the endometrtis i had back in march. So if the mycoplasma comes back + again then im going on a 21 course treatment. I had the option of getting another endo biopsy done but i just feel ive had too many instruments stuck up me and it will just cause things to get worse. Id rather just take the antibiotics.

So all in all it was a very good appt. I feel HOPE for the first time in months. She feels we have a chance. Im very curious to see where this will lead.

Onto normal life events. We got a black lab puppy on Saturday named Sadie - shes a sweet little thing. Nala is adapting very well to her. Ill post some pics soon.
Also Curry is still holding in. She went to the docs today and shes not dilating or effaced yet so they wont be inducing her :( She 39weeks on friday - that baby has got to come out!

Happy Birthday and other things

My birthday was good. 25. I know thats young but,it hit me hard, im no longer a "kid" ( i guess being married, owning a house, graduating college, and having a career didnt already tell me that! lol).

My Sonohystergram went well. My lining is smooth and no abnormalities were found THANK GOD! Not one person at the RE's office said happy birthday and i must have said my birth date 100 times! Whatever.

During the sonohystergram my cervix was very tender and they couldnt find my left ovary. Just 2 more things to worry about.

My in-laws and SIL and kids came over for dinner and my mom stayed the night. It was a good day all in all.

Yesterday i went in for my RE consult to go over my "plan". He's worried about my hyperstimulating b/c im so young. We are starting off with the standard 225 of Follistim but getting an early e2 level to make sure im going at an OK pace. But he'd rather me have alot of eggs then not enough.

So heres the dates:
10/18 start Lupron
10/22 last BCP (thank YOU!)
11/1 baseline u/s, e2
11/2 start stims
11/13 est ER
11/16 PGD anaylsis
11/18 ET

Petes sperm is "FANTASTIC". And Dr. F doesnt know for sure if the Mycoplasma is causing the m/c's. Im going in for a repeat test on the 18th so i should know the results by the 25th - pray for it to be negative!

Dr.F also reminded us to use "barrier" contraceptives, Pete asked if abstinance counted LOL. Sorry, but its hard for me to enjoy sex right now. I need emotional bonding rather then physical. Is that understandable??

onto work: Tonight i took care of Clomid TRIPLETS! Crazy! Oh, and btw my crackhead came back in a few days ago b/c she was hemmorraging and they may need to do a hysterectomy - GOOD!

And lastly, my sister has been contracting for days - so i may be an aunt this time next week!! YAY!

Birth Control Pills...

How weird is it that im taking birth control pills and using condoms right now? I took my first one yesterday and it brought me back to my teenage years were i DID NOT want a baby and now im taking them b/c I WANT ONE! Strange.

Its also strange that this whole IVF thing is now officially underway! Friday is my birthday and my mom is coming down, i think we may see a movie but i have a sonohystergram @ 2 and pete has his semen analysis that day too...Im turning 25 and it looks like the only action pete and i are getting is from doctors!

Last night i had another breakdown. Petes actions have been pissing me off lately. I have to be on him with every little thing that this entails (going to the psychiatrist,making the appt for the seman analysis, not wanting to talk about it or changing the subject ect..) It really just got to me yesterday and i just started crying at the dinner table. I HATE feeling like that. But, seriously, its so hard to stay positive EVERYDAY!

SO ive been reading others blogs...how do you get ppl to know about yours? People have links on the sides..how do i do that? I really want others to read this so i can more ppl going through this.

TIA!

a rough 24 hours..

Well i know ive dabbled into talking about my job before but i never really got into it. First of all i LOVE my job, most of the time. Last night was HELL. I wont get into full detail but for 8 1/2 hours i took care of a homeless crack addict on her TENTH baby!!! She didnt have custody of any of her other children - THANK GOD. She was disgusting, mean, helpless, hopeless, and a figgin MOTHER!! ARGH!! I wanted to SCREAM!! The poor baby was in NICU withdrawing - what a %^&%.

Now i know alot of people going through RPL get mad at these situations - but they hear about them in newspapers or through friends...but i SEE it, i have to be NICE and CARE for these jerks! I dont have a SECOND to get away from my HELL! NOT ONE SECOND!!!

Not to mention i had to listen to the secretary talk about her new pregnancy that took her a week and a half to get and im sure everything will be FINE. Not to mention the volenteers daughter being pregnant with twins, shes 8 weeks and they are already planning childcare!! WTH!

Then i come home and pete comes into the living room and i tell him we need to go to the psych appt in the morning and he gets all mad b/c this whole process is "affecting work" - Well IM SORRY I CANT KEEP A BABY BUT EVERY SCUMBAG CAN! No, i dint say that i just took a shower and cried to myself.

Then this morning we went to the psychiatrist and i already felt like i was going to snap! She wanted to hear our story, it took everything for me to hold it together. Then she proceeds to try to talk me OUT of IVF because it should be a last ditch effort and i should keep "running" even though i dont know where or for how long i need to run before i get to the finish line!! ARGH! (im still doing the IVF, ive done enough research to know this is the best next step!)

So here i sit 1:15pm and i need to work @ 3pm....NOT in the MOOD!

In 4 weeks...

Im going to be an AUNT!!!

So many people say "I'm so sorry." when they hear my sister is pregnant! Isnt that NUTS?! Yes, it wasnt unplanned, shes not married, and she been with her bf for 36weeks (yes, shes 36 weeks). But things are going well for her. I really think that this is the best thing to happen to her, and its a BABY, more importantly- my niece!

Im so excited for Saige to get here!! (and on my selfish side note - i know her womb works...so i may need to rent it out- lol!)

Onto my fertility. We went to the IVF class today. It was alot of info, but i feel more prepared for it. And Pete is on the antibiotics as well b/c i made him call to request them! They said its not "protocol" but they gave him the perscription anyways - damn straight!! It makes me feel alot better that hes on them too.

I still cant believe this is happening...

May have found the reason!!!!

I am in total AWE!!! Last month when i went to the RE i asked to get a mycoplasma culture done. Its a bacteria that can cause early m/c and guess what??? I HAVE IT!!! Im SO MAD no one thought of this and it was ME who suggested it.

Being a nurse i know you HAVE TO be you OWN advocate. Research, research - it WILL get you places.

So the plan is to take 10 days of antibiotics get tested 10 days later and if its still postive, i go back on the antibiotics along with pete ( i dont understand why he doesnt go on them now?) We are still going through with the IVF b/c we are not 100% sure this is the reason. And thats starting in about a week.

I cant believe this!

Its Negative!!

My beta is FINALLY negative!! I found out that m/c #4 was doomed from the start on 7/26, so almost to 2 months later- its OVER!!

You'd think i'd be sad, but its a sense of relief that i can finally move on. I cant believe in less that 2 weeks im going to be doing IVF!!

Ill be away until the end of the weekend because its my sisters baby shower on saturday. We did a pregnant scarecrow theme, its going to be so cute!

A CraZy amount of Appointments!

Yesterday i had an appt with Dr. F for a microplasma culture ( a simple bacteria that may be causing the m/c's). While there i told him we changed our minds and we are diving in -head first- for the IVF/PGD.

While he's fiddling instruments around in my "good girl" he proceeds to tell me that he's going to do a "mock embryo transfer" - HOLY SHIT this is REALLY happening! Right then and there is when i had the realization that i AM going through this, i cant carry a baby and i need IVF and that may not work, too! ARGH!

But let me tell ya, Dr. F got some talent, hes talking to me and looking me IN THE EYE as he's threading a catheder through my CERVIX! - dont you have to SEE where you going? I guess he knows va-jay-jays like the back of his hands!!

His nurse gives me a booklet on IVF (which, btw. is about 150 pages long!). There is about 7 steps i need to do in order to start the IVF. The biggest one is the b/w..it has to be done on Day 3 of my cycle - its about 15 tubes of blood - my FAVORTIE :\

So here are the appointments if your following along with me.
9/19- beta test - will it be down to 0 yet??? - YES IT IS!!!
9/26- IVF class
9/29- psychiatrist
10/10- DR.F to talk about the protocol
10/18- Dr. KP to talk about the PGD
and i still have a few more i need to make - ill add them as they come along!

Going to Melissa and Warrens wedding this weekend! It should be fun - i need fun!

You dont get IT!...

Like i said before, i talk ALOT about this situation b/c it helps me.

Talking to certain people though, doesnt help. Someone should really write a book on the do's and dont's on what to say to someone going through miscarriage.

I know most of the time ppl are just trying to "help" or they just dont know what to say, which is fine, but when people start telling you HOW to cope, frankly pisses me off.

Give me credit where credit is due....in 9 months ive had 3 m/c and lost my father. Im not locking myself in my room crying, not eating,not going to work, not talking to anyone ect. Im laughing, eating, going to work, beign social. If ONE MORE person says "your too anxious" im going to FLIP OUT!!! Im not ANXIOUS, just b/c i talk about it doesnt mean im anxious. I dont think a minute conversation gives anyone the right to tell me what i am or what i am not!

So the next time anyone is talking to someone that going through a hard time. Listen, and then tell them it sucks what they are going through and that they are handling it well, and if they are not handling it well, just give them a hug and tell them you are there for them (and actually BE there!).

change of plans...

well after much debate (with myself) i finally talked to pete about my feelings reguarding IUI and IVF. I just didnt feel comfortable going through the IUI. I feel the IVF/PGD is our best bet and may find answers. I couldnt go through the IUI and have another m/c, then have to wait another 3 months to start the IVF.

im terrified though. Ive been spending alot of my time researching IVF and what the process is and what im getting myself into. Im scared of what they will find. What if all our embryos are bad? What if all my embryos are fine, will i have another m/c? What if i can never have my own child? (im not against adoption by any means but i want a biological child).

We are going Oct 10 and 18th to talk about the whole process...more waiting. Which i dont have to much choice over because my beta is 32...so im STILL "pregnant" UGH! So i probably wont get AF for at least 2-3 more weeks.

The next step...

A week ago Pete and went to the RE to see what the next "plan" should be. I was pretty much expecting what was said, so it wasnt a shock.

Dr. F basically has no clue what is causing this and we have a 60% chance of carrying a baby to term ourselves - i dont believe in stats, but it still stng to hear that.

SO we had 2 options, injectable meds with IUI (they will inseminate me with Petes sperm after i give myself an injection to induce ovulation.) This is suppose to give me better quality eggs. The risk of twins is 25% - FINE BY ME!

The second option is IVF with PGD. PGD is when they will test the embryos to make sure they are healthy before they transfer them into me. THis is going to cost us 15,000 out of pocket b/c i CAN concieve, according to the insurance co.

We choose injectables (more for money reason but for sanity reason, i want the IVF). We do have 2 more consults in the next 6 weeks to see what 2 other docs say...but for now this is the plan.

Wish us luck...

Nice to get away

It was a good Labor Day. I had 5 wonderful days off of work and Pete and i went to NH and ME for the weekend. We went to a wedding and then up to Petes hunting cabin for 2 nights. Nala passed her first leg at a junior hunter retriever field trail, so proud of my baby girl! :)

More needles

During the past few months people have been offering me numerous ways to help my "situation". The most common solution was acupuncture. OK i'll try it...

I walk in and there's "miracle babies" all over the walls and this cute chinese man in a white lab coat who speaks broken English who keeps telling me i NEED tea!

So he bring me in the back and goes to work and then proceeds to put a heating lamp over my body, tells me "good night", shuts off the lights and leaves....OK?

All of a sudden i get so comfortable its hard for me to keep my eyes open, it was crazy!! It was so relaxing and i felt the effects hours later.

A half hour passes and he storms in, takes out the needles and tell me to "come back tuesday"...OK...then "you keep baby next time with TEA"...OK.

So this little chinese man seems to have my cure - TEA!

what in the hell is a BETA??

Ahh, the lovely world of infertility. People will ask me "hows everything going?" I quicikly realize some just want a simple answer to a very complex question.

Im the type of person who talks...i cant help it. It helps me. So lots of people get a surprising story to a very simple question. Since i talk, alot of my peers, aquaintances, neighbors ect. , ect. know my story. And that OK with me.

My family, bless their hearts, try to stay up-to-date with doctor appointments, bloodwork, and procedures. Do they have any idea what im talking about when i explain things to them? Probably not. But thats not what matters. What matters is- they care.

Being in the medical field as well(im a post-partum nurse...yeah out of all jobs this is what i do, but i love it, so its OK- explaing this is a whole other post!) Anyways, it hard to explain things to people who 1- havent been researching the internet for a year about the topic or 2- have no medical background. But i try.

So the title to this post is the question i get the most. So ill try to explain it so reading this blog maybe a little easier if your not part of the RPL/IF world.

A beta is a blood test which measures the viability of a pregnancy. You start off with one # and in 48 hours it should double. And once you miss a period the beta is (on average) about 100. If the beta is not rising appropraitely - you got a problem.

So ladies and gentlemen, when im talking betas, im not talking fish!

The road so far...

Its been one year, three miscarraiges...and no baby.

Our first m/c was in October 05. It was quick/easy but very emotioanally troubling. This wasnt the first time ive gone through this (back in HS i had one but thought it was a blessing when it happened- oh to be so niave)- so i went to a fantastic doctor who was willing to run some tests.

What was found was low progesterone - a hormone that sustains a pregnancy- without it, you miscarry., +ANA antibody (this is more hard to explain but it basically means my body attacks itself, thus thinking the baby is a foreign object and it can also cause blood clots preventing blood flow to the uterus causing miscarriage. Lastly we found small polyps and i needed surgery to remove them.

So 6 months later , 3 gallons of blood drawn, surgery, humiliating procedures, my dad passing away and my sister becoming pregnant, we got the green light to start trying again, WOO-HOO!!

Our happiness quickly turned to joy when we found out we were pregnant right away in April! Everything was going well until i started spotting a few days later. My betas were rising but i soon started gushing blood.

This was the hardest m/c. I started bleeding as i was making a shirt for Nala saying "Big Sister in 2007" AND it was Mothers Day! Pete and i went to the ER 2 hours before our families were coming for dinner - where we were suppose to tell them our "good" news. How ironic- MOTHERS DAY, of ALL days - boy it was a kick in the stomach!!

After this m/c my doctor shipped me to a RE. I never thought it was going to get to this point. The RE was very straightforward and to the point, not exactly the empathy i was recieving from my awesome OB., but i could see why he wanted me to see Dr. F.

I had hope, we had a new plan. We started trying again in June. Another + test a month later ( GETTING PREGNANT is abviously NOT our problem!!). But the beta was only 7 - way too low for a successful pregnancy. It was thought that the beta was going to drop the next day and that would be it. NOPE - the number continued to rise for 3 and a half weeks!!! But never a good rise it only made it to 686 - i was 7.5wks pregnant witha beta of 686 the longest AND highest beta ive ever had...but it didnt mean SHIT b/c 686 @ 7.5 is horrible!

So the Dr. F was suspected ectopic but nothing was seen on u/s. So i waited it out and bleeding started along with my numbers dropping.

Here i sit, going through yet ANOTHER m/c.

Will it ever end? Will i have a healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby?

I sure HOPE so....